A hideous fruit, disgracing itself.
Allo-Aro
feeling left out. every single other company is announcing the stupidest, most hostile shit in the world today to try and bury it under the apple event. i wanna announce something stupid and hostile too. let me know what y'all would like to see. some ideas i'm floating include "publicly executing eggbug" but i'm open to suggestions here.
All chosts on the cats tag
ban everything that isnt pornography
announce that cohost will now only be accessible and powered by the BYOND client
add a new mandatory field on which final fantasy is your favorite and have it be visible from all comment and rebugs
that byond idea is truly vile. there is real hatred in that one, bravo!
yeah, this would piss everyone off to roughly similar degrees. Checks out 👍
give every staff member a big red button they can press in case of emergency that will immediately change everyone's display name to their IP address
logged-out users can now participate exactly like logged-in users; their @ is their IP address. if it works for wikipedia it must work for us!
Show Eggbug gay married and then release a statement saying that they're just roommates.
scrambled eggbug is a good choice
but you could also provide people a hell timeline that only shows them posts from tags they have muffled or hidden, or pages they have silenced or blocked
Make all audio uploads autoplay by default as soon as they are loaded, even if they do so outside the portion of the timeline that is visible in the browser window. Additionally, put the controls to stop this autoplay at the bottom of every audio post (behind a 'read more' fold, if possible), separated from the window displaying the playtime and media information.
just lemme in the code base for like, a minute. let me hit backspace a couple of times and see what happens
New era of posting: all posts must be written entirely in Twitch emotes because the kids seem to like that
button on everyone's pages that displays one (1) random liked post of theirs when clicked
is it the same liked post every time or does it reroll
Put Realistic Eggbug on the top of everyone's page.
https://www.thetarantulacollective.com/caresheets/cyriocosmus-elegans
Surely you mean this realistic eggbug https://cohost.org/Zen/post/1923582-congratulations-and
Did you perhaps mean this realistic eggbug? https://cohost.org/belarius/post/966943-cw-cursed-mascot-c
Ban female presenting nipples? Bring back numbers? (Everyone who had a leg up on Twitter LOVES NUMBERS)
Eliminate the chronologically posted feed for some arbitrary algorithm that feeds capitalism?
Only one user can post in any given hour and you have to bid for the privilege. The resultant drop in stuff to read will be solved by adding a bunch of AI users everyone follows by default.
Notifications presented to you Only in bulk once you have enough, and the amount of notifications it takes before you're notified grows exponentially each time you're notified.*
*this probably only counts as a bad feature if mandatory.
You can change the color scheme but there are 28 options and the only way you can change them is repeatedly clicking a single button to cycle through until you find one you hate less than the others because they're all awful
like button is randomly replaced with dislike button and "i saw this and wanted you to know that i actively do not care about it"
Said "i saw this and wanted you to know that i actively do not care about it" button causes you to comment on their post saying something gleefully dismissive and "who asked"-y like that, picked from a random list.
Whenever you post, you are automatically charged for and sent a "poster's lootbox". The quality of lootbox depends on the quality of your post, and if staff decide your post is "a banger" you get an Eggbug Lootbox (potential pulls from an Eggbug Lootbox include one of their severed limbs, the exact geographic coordinates of one of your followers, or $5 Canadian.)
This applies retroactively but existing posters get a bulk discount if they have between 10 and 1,000 posts.
If you make too many popular posts, a bot starts posting automatically to your account for you, using AI to try to convince your followers you're whatever sort of leninist they'll hate the most. If your posts continue to be too good it switches tactics and tries to convince people you're actually a Brand
Whole site gets a single like and share button that they have to pass around to use. Share a post? Now it's that person's turn.
Use the power of AI (or witchcraft, whichever is easier) to bring Lowtax back to life so he can become the CEO of Cohost.
every day a random user gets featured in a persistent "looking for more posts?" box. opting out is available with Cohost Plus
Weekly post limit determined based on the number of shmups the user has provably managed to 1cc, with more difficult games contributing more to the limit
Allow JS in posts but they have to go through a manual review process first for safety
Who is going to do the reviews tho? That's the actual evil part
Unfortunately every single part is the idea is evil, although choosing who is a particularly fun part of the evil. My vote goes towards cohost plus subscribers having monthly review quotas to keep their sub up.
Cohost randomly bans you for 1-8 hours a day.
In a move called, "Data Conservation Control" when people are banned they can't browse, post, or comment on anything meaning the site saves money maybe.
You could also just implement more jump scares into the site.
every day a single "main character" of cohost is selected at random. that person's profile is put in the sidebar of the main page and all of their posts are broadcast to all users
If you tag a post with a file format you have to post an image or audio clip in that format. If you use the #svg tag but post a PNG your post is quietly discarded when you press submit
add a cohost plus feature that lets everyone w/ plus choose one specific person to block one specific other person every month. announce with it that you believe bot nets are not real and if they are then they should pay the cohost team a million dollars to make everyone block each other. its perfect.
increase the price of cohost plus monthly subscriptions but it comes with a free mug subscription except it's like a blind box and every month it's the eggbug mug (and maybe one person gets a "Fuck Computers" mug but they gotta post in the kind of way where you can't tell if they're a plant or not)
5 tag limit. css is now a template editor exclusively. comment limit. profile images are now ads, buy cohost plus to get the option to change yours.
Chronological timeline based on the local time of the person who posted it
Oh wait, no better.
Replace posting with chatgpt. So you can never post directly, only give LLM prompts to affect what's posted from your account and when.
"This is a game changer for efficient and effortless management of your social media presence."
every cohost user is assigned a fictional character they have to RP at all times, chosting out of character is a bannable offense. characters are assigned based on whatever @staff think would be funny. if you complain, you will be assigned a homestuck character, and you will have to make all your chosts in the correct text color with the correct typing quirk.
probably the most feasible bad idea is identity verification. deactivate every user and require them to upload government ID in order to be reactivated, which takes over twice as long as the original queue due to the immense labor cost of manual verification. or you could have Google Bard check em all idk
real name policy. and feed every image through AI designed to produce a very similar but unsettling original image
generate mild EM feedback to touch screens that makes them feel sticky
allow posts to customize your cohost theme for you. i want to see bands of fucking geocities-type backgrounds emanating from each post
Mandatory script tag. You can put whatever in there but you gotta have one and it can't be empty
Start selling ad space but the only options are a pop-up that covers the whole screen or a 1x1 pixel in a random position autoplaying 4K video, just to fuck up anyone's data
Every user is assigned a list of 5 random users they need to start shit with per week and if you don't start shit with all of them your account is permanently banned
Notification chime whose volume in dB is the number of unread notifications you have
