nekromancerxiv

all of life's mistakes at once

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tokusatsu, games and other cringe


Voxandra
@Voxandra

It's November 20, so today marks 13 years of transition for me. People get kinda happy for me when I mention it, while I always tend to be a bit somber. Perhaps it's because today also happens to be Trans Day of Remembrance and all, but it also happens to be the same day as the song 20, November. I'm more of a 19, November fan myself though.

These days when it comes to trans-related thoughts I have, it's the surgeries that went wrong for me. I've done an okay job coping with it, but some days it really gets me down and it can be tough. I'm always quick to mention that what is wrong is fixable, as talking about this can be a huge bummer, but I haven't been able to get a correction in like five years now. I'm hoping I'll be able to in the coming year or two, but we'll see. I don't really have regrets though, if that makes sense.

It's tough. My anxiety makes life difficult, but I lucked out hard in ending up with a career as an entertainer. I'd be pretty fucked otherwise, truth be told. My mind's kinda wandering with my thoughts here but basically I'm glad I've done what I've done and took the steps I have to make my body something I'm far more comfortable having. I feel like early on in transitioning there's so much brain time focused on changing things asap and I guess the best thing I can say is that for me, it eventually faded away and I became happy enough with myself that I don't really think about it as much. I get surprised whenever the anniversary comes up because I don't notice it approaching, and go "huh" when I think about how long it's been.

It's a good thing. I can focus on other things in my life I'd rather be focusing on, y'know? Aside from what I mentioned earlier but. I'm far more generally content in my own body than I ever have been before it all despite this. There's a lot more I could talk about with my personal experience and all that but maybe I'll save that for another time when I can articulate it better, since I know it can help to read other's experiences.

Anyway time to celebrate being 13 by listening to X JAPAN and watching Gundam Wing, bye


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in reply to @Voxandra's post:

YOOO CONGRATS on the anniversary 💕 I'm turning trans-9 in March next year, myself! Looking at surgery next year and hoping for the best.

Your story really resonates with me, I am similarly a ball of anxiety and frankly, a list of unmarketable atypicalities too long to fit in a Twitter header. My wife supports us and I often feel so guilty that I can't hold work due to executive dysfunction, overstim and emotional breakdowns.

Transition is really hard to explain. While every step in the right direction has given me a feeling of belonging in my body, of seeing the real me in the mirror and more confidence than anything has ever brought me before, they're are still little things that bother me about my appearance and it's the nitpickiest shite in the world but like.. it can get too easy to fall down emotional holes.
It's so much better tho, because it literally saved my life. If I hadn't realized and done something about it, I would absolutely not be here right now. I am insanely lucky to have my partner and the life I do now.
But all my mental stuff outside of it makes me feel powerless and masking has caused extreme burnout that makes it exponentially harder to function where I need to.

I have found such an incredible community in streaming and made some of the best online and real world friends because of it. I've helped people realize gender stuff about themselves and given a place to feel seen. I love it as much as I love my digital art creation, perhaps more than that. Nowhere let's me shine quite as hard and be myself. I really hope you continue to feel more comfy in your human shell <3