maddie

I've been documenting its effects for my first month. Most people I spoke to said they didn't experience anything similar until after -three- months, but they also started on a lower dose.

• Day 1: A mild, dizzying sensation that subsided after a few hours.

• Day 2 - 5: absolutely nothing.

• Day 6: I was making dinner and suddenly felt like I was going to cry for no reason. The sensation passed quickly.

• Day 7 onwards: I am starting to have vivid, lucid dreams about being a wage slave (even more than real life, that is), struggling to make ends meet. The dreams do not pass easy. They drag. They stay. Even the dregs have a stranglehold. I wake up, muscles sore and tired. My eyebags have exceeded the allotted carry-on luggage; I do not have the money to pay the fine.

• Day 8 onwards: I am now dizzy through various times of the day. It's like having a mild cold. There's a slight, if not constant, weight on my chest. (don't worry, it's not shortness of breath, nor am I having any trouble breathing) My day to day baseline is lower.

• Day 9 onwards: I've practiced mindfulness for many years now, and it's an exceedingly useful superpower. The ability to just notice what you're feeling and--after quick consideration--decide if you want to keep feeling it or not. Imagine not being angry or annoyed or sad at the drop of a hat! It's actually pretty great!

  I can't do it anymore.

  It's a scary thing to suddenly lose control. That I was sitting on the bed, processing the annoyance, knowing that I wasn't really emotionally invested in the matter and yet I could not stop being annoyed. That I couldn't let go of the irritation in my chest regardless of how clean and clear my thoughts were.

• Day 10 onwards: I'M FREEZING. I'm wrapped in double blankets despite us being in the gentle embrace of autumn. The idea of a cold drink is repulsive and I gravitate towards hot, steaming soups for dinner.

  My partner is wearing a spaghetti strap. She thinks I've gone mad. She calls me a baby.

• Day 11 : We got donburi for lunch. I couldn't finish mine, so I left half of it for dinner. I told my partner that it was terrible. To spare me the pain, she threw it away without asking me!

• Day 13: I couldn't stop thinking about the donburi she threw away. I told my partner that even though I didn't enjoy it and the food was atrocious, I had developed a severe emotional attachment to the shittiest don in the world. I was somehow looking forward to it for dinner. I even saved the edamame for later.

  I cried over it. I didn't know why. It's just a stupid fucking donburi and yet I cried. Somehow, her throwing it away felt like such a betrayal. My partner laughed and promised to buy me another one.

  Okay???!! But I don't want a new one! I wanted that one!

  I realize I am being very stupid.

• Day 14: I've lost the ability to regulate my body temperature. The ambient temp is 23C. My lips are pale. My partner makes me wear her teddy bear hoodie. I think I need to hibernate.

• Day 15: I'm sad. You guys have no idea how healthy I've been eating. And I'm still sad.

• Day 19: I'm severely irritated all the time. You know how people always talk about punching pillows? I've never done that. Ever. I'm not prone to extreme bouts of mood.

  I punched a pillow.

• Day 22: I love stupid jokes. The dumber the better. I watched a comedy movie¹ and it was so silly that I laughed so hard I cried. Only, the crying turned into real tears and I started ugly bawling. I've never experienced such a violent whiplash in mood swings before.

• Day 23: I'm so dizzy. I fell over and hurt myself.

• Day 24: I don't know if it's because of the cyproterone². I'm dizzy within the hour I take it, but I don't think it works that fast. It's likely that because I take cyproterone with a meal, I'm either crashing really hard from food or my long covid symptoms are being exacerbated.

• Day 25: It's 4 am. My sleep schedule was absolutely wrecked during my first puberty, so I'm going to assume I'm sensitive to any type of hormone disruption because I can't sleep.

• Day 26: I used to be able to skip meals easily. There was a period of my life where I just ate one meal a day and I was completely fine. I still don't eat breakfast³ (it absolutely is NOT the most important meal of the day, Kelloggs you piece of shit), but if I'm an hour late to a meal, my body immediately starts shutting down. I shiver. Thoughts are rendered incoherent.

• Day 27: My friend warned me I was going to lose muscle, and it was best if I did something to combat it. Despite working out on a consistent basis and making sure that I haven't lost any muscle definition, I nevertheless feel noticeably weaker. Pushing through the pain used to be easy. Now the soreness reaches deep.

• Day 28: What are these hunger pains? It's like a severe stabbing motion in my stomach. I just had dinner an hour ago, I shouldn't be feeling pangs of hunger.

• Day 30: Weirdest month of my life. Incredible highs and devastating lows. I feel like I've limit break'd both ends of the emotional spectrum. I've become a spoiled brat. My partner and all my exes used to love lying in bed and asking me to bring them stuff and spoil them all the time while I sigh and say, "Yes, honey." Now I'm lying in bed and asking my partner to bring me stuff and spoil me all the time while she sighs and says, "Yes, honey."

My current emotional state:

1. I can't disclose this movie. Y'all are gonna judge me. My reputation will never recover. The jokes are so bad but they're so for me. I love it.

2. After getting a blood test, cyproterone is working really well for me, and so far the side effects are manageable, despite the dizziness. Since I'm getting good results, I'd rather not swap to spiro for the time being.

3. The truth is out. Breakfast Maddie blogposts may have been filmed and written in the morning, but they were eaten at lunch. But 'lunch maddie' doesn't sound good as a tag so...