Whelp that took forever, I'm glad I slept on it.
I made peace w/ the fact I was gonna hard-code some values and just go on with life. I had to go through my hardcoded values 3x to find the ones that were WRONG™.
VICTORY.
WAS.
MINE.
(https://github.com/nothes/AdventOfCode/blob/main/AoC/AoC/Day%2022/day22.swift)