onebug

I keep encountering men who have this mentality of “I am fundamentally not an attractive person and women generally aren’t interested in me unless I’m lucky” and like yes that sometimes is incel shit but more often it’s just this like lack of personal confidence and somehow this mentality is accompanied with “so I just don’t bother putting any effort into my appearance” and somehow there’s this lack of realization that this is connected?

But here’s this thing:

Personal grooming makes people want to interact with your body

Like I say this to men sometimes and they’re like what???? And then suddenly something clicks in them and they start keeping better hygiene practices.

• If your breath smells bad people won’t want to kiss you
• If your beard is scratchy and scraggly and unkempt people won’t want to kiss you
• If your skin is dry and ashy and red with irritation people won’t want to touch it
• If your scalp is dry and flaky or your hair greasy people won’t want to touch it
• If you smell bad people won’t want to be near you
• If your clothes don’t fit right and look dirty people won’t be interested in removing them
• If you don’t look like you’re putting effort in people think you don’t care and will think you won’t care about them

All of this is entirely subjective and subject to taste of course but I do think it’s very good general advice that most of being attractive is the appearance of having put in effort, confidence, and your body being inviting to interact with in very basic ways.

So phrased more positively:

• Brushing your teeth and flossing makes your mouth inviting to stick a tongue in
• Trimming and moisturizing facial hair makes your face more kissable. Or just shave your face consistently.
• Applying basic lotion (like aveeno) to your face and arms/hands after you shower will make your skin less dry and more desirable to touch and caress.
• Learning your hair type and how to take care of your hair properly will result in hair that people wanna run their fingers through.
• Now, some people think manly musk is hot but let’s be real if your smell is more spent all day sitting and typing than spent all day chopping down trees then probably you’ll do better showering every 24-48 hours (depending on physical activity and sweat levels) and wearing a nice smelling or unscented deodorant. If you smell nice people will want to be very proximally close to you to smell you.
• Old baggy clothes hide your body and make you look like you don’t care which isn’t attractive. Clothes that fit you correctly will always look more attractive. Not too loose and not too tight. Being stylish to a very basic extent makes you stand out and highly desirable.
• Literally just looking like you’re putting in effort to be attractive to your partner/prospective partners is hugely attractive because it means you care about their experience of interacting with your body.

If you’re straight an easy way to help you think about what will make you attractive to women is just to ask yourself “what will make straight guys think I’m gay” and then do that. I’m only half joking. Like when you imagine what tips off the gaydar it’s usually just that a guy is kempt, groomed, clean. Smells and dresses nice. Maybe wears a V-neck that shows off chest hair or something. Yeah there’s a reason straight women are always saying all the hot guys are gay it’s cuz the straight guys won’t do even the most basic personal grooming.

I swear if a straight man is seen applying chapstick in winter people think he’s bisexual but guess what which lips do you wanna kiss chapped lips or moisturized lips.

I mean I know I’m preaching to the choir on this website like are there even any straight men on this website who haven’t already figured this out possibly from all their friends being queer? Who knows. Maybe this more belongs on Reddit. I’m just saying someone needed to write it down in plain language out there. They’ve all already read the thing about how women like men who cook and give massages but someone needs to do the dirty work of introducing straight men to lotion and the CurlyGurl Method.

To microtarget this advice just a smidge more, I'm sure there's at least one person reading this and thinking

Ok yeah I get it, but I have sensory issues, so I can't do X. Guess I'm out of luck

And like, that's totally fair. but maybe spelling out the mission more specifically will help:

• Mission 1: feel comfortable with yourself
• Mission 2: be pleasant to exist around for other people

Notice how nowhere in that block of text is the words "be normal". If it were, then you'd really be out of luck. But it's not! There's no rule saying "pleasant means normal means conventionally attractive", even if it feels like that sometimes.

Smells nice doesn't mean "smells like old spice". Get some unscented deodorant, it genuinely has no scent. (probably the best single purchase I've made in the last year lmao)

Clothes that fit doesn't mean "clothes that make your skin scream". I'm still navigating this one myself tbh but the point here is to be intentional about how you look. Understanding what's a depression fit and what's a comfy fit is kind of a fine line, but you know what I mean when I say those are two different things, right?

The important thing, I think, is to just allow yourself to think that you can do both at the same time, it'll just need a little more thought and intentionality behind it. And if you don't know if something is pleasant for other people or not, you always have the super power of, you know, just asking. They want to be around someone pleasant, just as much as you want to be someone who is pleasant to be around!

Clothes that fit correctly shouldn’t make your skin scream! For one, buy clothes in fabrics that feel nice on your skin. But also, clothes that fit right shouldn’t be skin tight they just aren’t so baggy that it looks like if someone grabbed you they’d just only get fabric and no meat.

I have lots of Sensory Stuff especially around clothes and it’s possibly to learn which kinds of fabrics feel good. For instance, I avoid anything with lace (not an issue for men’s clothing…) and I avoid standard “T shirt fabric” and graphic tees made of low quality materials that are rough on my bust. Softer “premium tee” usually feels better for me.

Unscented products are fantastic and also like…. The harsh extreme chemical scents of men’s deodorant can be replaced by gentler women’s deodorant just saying. Axe body spray is not the solution I’m proposing.

Also I totally did date a guy who always wore the same baggy hoodie every day but he also smelled nice and took very very good care of his gorgeous long hair. You can find the balance between brain needs and what makes you look comfy to be physically close to. And if you can find like… the one good outfit that looks nice and you can wear every day then great new same clothes better than old same clothes.

Good hygiene and personal grooming absolutely doesn’t mean normal I’m literally telling straight men to break gender norms by doing this. Most good grooming means breaking gender norms a bit given how ridiculous the expectations are for men. You can have a body that’s very appealing to be physically close to and also absolutely outside the norm and what’s conventionally considered attractive. Using a nicer hair conditioner is very different from no longer wearing your steampunk goggles everywhere or whatever it is you do.