i wrote an outline for a musical based on this month's WILT. i don't know anything about most of the historical figures that are featured as characters and made no effort to research before writing this. the musical would be very bad and also stupid but i had fun. i did not allow myself to rearrange the order of the songs at all. i also left out haunted bc it's in every WILT. consider it the pre-show music. ok let's rock
Hunting Bears: background from the opening monologue from an unnamed narrator character that we never see again, who explains a little bit about how we're in a "space out of time" or something, to justify the presence of completely uncontemporary historical figures
No One Should Read This: angsty conflict song done by ivan the terrible's son. i don't know his name or anything about him but it's my understanding his dad did not allow him a very good time. that's what the song is about. he confers with his friend catherine the great, who gives him some advice, and they transition into...
I Ain't Goin' Out Like That: ivan's son starts to feel more confident about standing up to his dad after receiving catherine's counsel. he's not goin' out like that!
The Remedy: ummm uhhhhh uhhhhhhh. fuck this one gave me a hard time. i was thinking maybe catherine sings this one? about. how she herself isn't sure what ivan's son should do? or something?
Babe of the Abyss: it became inevitable throughout this process that ivan's son and catherine were gonna end up in some kind of relationship so consider this the song that foreshadows their feelings for each other
The Bad Touch: literally just some annoying comic relief background characters, probably part of the son's entourage, singing about how they're gonna fuck all night. they can be the token gays
Gin and Juice: after hearing about ivan for the whole play thus far, he's arrived! he rolls up to a conference of a bunch of important historical figures in style, with his posse singing this one
Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible: okay now do you understand why this story is taking the direction it is. so ivan pisses a bunch of people at the conference off with his swagger so they get into a conflict which catherine then shows up to resolve. he's defeated, and subsequently thrown in jail by catherine and ivan's son
Constellation Cradle: i don't really know all the lyrics to this one but i decided this is the song that introduces us to the character of hillary clinton. and she sings about. constellations i guess
Is This Love: this is the true lovey song for catherine and ivan's son, where they profess their devotion for each other. in a reggae song
Even Flow: okay FINE i don't really know the lyrics to this one either. i'm a phony. but anyway this perhaps introduces the character of donald trump
Implicit Demand For Proof: ivan, still in jail, has a moment with God. this part could actually be potentially kinda cool in isolation from the rest of this mess
Intergalactic: clinton and trump both announce their run for president, with a loose thread being drawn for hillary between her song about constellations and the present topic of planets and such. in private, catherine meets hillary and lends support to her campaign. equally privately, ivan's son does the same for trump
Creepy Crawler: this one sorta combines with intergalactic because they're both big ensemble numbers (with this one being the bigger of the two) where all the voters get up in a tizzy about the upcoming election
Take The Money And Run: trump and hillary both air some of each other's dirty laundry and call each other crooked. catherine and ivan's son discover each other's treachery in supporting rival candidates
Donald Trump vs Hillary Clinton: right before the election/into the election sequence. maybe even framed as a debate
Rollin' In My 5.0: ivan returns from jail to take his revenge, interrupting the election in the process. our four leads have to unite to defeat him again, and ivan's son gets some closure on the abuse that was alluded to in his opening number
i really wish there was another song right here. but anyway some more plot happens here. ivan is defeated for good, and i guess hillary wins the election? and she and catherine cast off the son and trump, with catherine letting her regrets about her relationship float away for another day
the fuckin. peppa pig song on the youtube playlist: catherine and hillary have a victory number where they dunk on all the guys they defeated. idk
hi btw i love you sorry for showing you this but i hope it was amusing
