• he/him

nothin' hootin' matters!!!


eladnarra
@eladnarra

One of the things I struggle with is blaming myself for my chronic illness flares and crashes. It feels like it's my fault if I feel bad, especially if I can point to something I didn't do perfectly. Maybe I forgot to drink enough water, or did too much physical activity, or went to bed a bit late.


I talked about this with my therapist, and how it relates to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Basically, in ACT you don't try to replace negative thoughts or feelings. You acknowledge them, perhaps by naming the story they're telling or by thanking them. And instead of focusing on whether the thought is true, you instead ask yourself if it's helpful. Will it help you deal with the problem? Does it move you towards the life you want to live?

(Sometimes you simply ride out the emotion because you have to, which is okay, too.)

We also talked about how unrealistic it is for me to expect myself to perfectly take care of myself all the time, especially when I'm working with less resources than most people. Plus, the way my body feels and its abilities are extremely variable from day to day, so it's hardly my fault if something I managed yesterday makes me crash today.

It reminded me of a guided meditation I did a while back. I had to imagine my older self and what she'd say to me. I usually find that sort of thing ridiculous, but the first thing that popped into my head was "you're doing your best." It's the most generic thing future me could say, but I burst into tears. And thinking back on it, I think it's because as a perfectionist and as someone whose body betrays her often, I feel like "my best" has to be perfect. So the idea that whatever I am managing to do right now is in fact my best, is kind of a revelation.

Anyway, one of the recommendations my therapist had was to put up reminders about this - to help me recognize when I am falling into the "blaming myself" story. Another was to come up with a list of things to do to help me recover ahead of time. So I combined those with ACT, "you're doing your best," and a bulletin board flyer aesthetic to make these posters!

It was fun~

Longer image description

Two posters with tear-off tabs at the bottom.

The first poster is on neon yellow paper and says in a bold permanent marker font, "Do you feel bad? Are you blaming yourself? Remember: You're doing your best!" There is a heart next to the final sentence. Underneath in smaller text it says, "It's dangerous to go alone. Take this!" and along the bottom are different self care options in individual tabs. They are:

  • Do some stretches
  • Meditate
  • Take a nap
  • Eat something tasty
  • Talk to someone
  • Sit outside
  • Drink water

The second poster is on bright pink paper and says in a bold permanent marker font: "Recognize the 'Blaming' story: 'It's my fault I feel bad.' 'I should (or should not) have done blank.'" Underneath in smaller text it says, "It doesn't matter whether the story is true - what matters is if it helps. Does it?" and along the bottom are tear-off tabs that all say, "No, it doesn't help."


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in reply to @eladnarra's post:

If you make something and feel comfortable sharing, I'd love to see it!

I haven't had a reason to try either of them out yet, but my hope is that tearing off a physical piece of paper will encourage me to actually follow through... We'll see~!