warning: these are going to be actively mean for the sake of comedy. I actually enjoy quite a few of these, although I won't say which ones. If you're going to read me going "your comic SUCKS" and get mad move on to another post this is not Serious Criticism.
this is only the the ones that people actively sent me; so if your favorite isn't on here that's because nobody would admit to it. do it, coward. admit your secret shame so i may add it to the board
Dumbing of Age
-jigsaw voice- You claim you're a respectable webcomic reader, someone who just wants to watch characters get shoved together and pulled apart like action figures in peace. Someone who just wants to read a middling soap opera with an above average number of gays without being accused of webcomic crimes.
That's why all you have to do to avoid punishment is stare directly into this camera and not flinch at all while i repeat the following words:
Ahem. "Shortpacked." "It's Walky." "Roomies." "Transformers Lore Argumen-"
Questionable Content
Your ideal form of comfort media is "what if the big bang theory was gayer". You have also forgotten the first 500 or so pages of QC, which is a good thing for all of humanity.
Gunnerkrigg Court
You started this journey because oh look, a cool adventure story with some girls, it's got interesting art and some neat plot hooks.
Since then you've spent over a decade trying to squeeze yuri out of a stone, and this fruitless pursuit still makes more sense then the plot of the comic itself.
Girl Genius
See above, but for yaoi.
...Although, I've been told that some people also read Girl Genius for reasons that AREN'T frantically gripping the arms of their chair trying to make the boys kiss. I'm not sure I believe that. What other reason is there to read it, like, are you that into steampunk that you'd continue to stick with a comic that hasn't progressed it's plot in 10 year-
Oh god. Oh god you ARE. Do... do you need a hug? I can like, glue some gears to my jacket if it would make you feel better.
Order of the Stick
When you're in a really good TTRPG game, you end up with a portion of your brain permanently dedicated to it's world and story. For the rest of your life you'll have those characters lodged in your brain, unable to escape the story you've seen and the good times you had playing with your friends.
You have an area like this in your brain, except it's dedicated solely to remembering the lore of a 20 year old comic about stick figures and dnd. It's not worth it, man. For the love of god, go scroll down to where i mention Unsounded, become one of THOSE fantasy guys instead.
Prequel Adventure
I want everyone to know that this was the first nomination to make my physically recoil from my seat.
You are capable of staring at a pile of red flags, reaching into it, and pulling out a hyperfixation. I'm impressed! Either that or you got tired of seeing a character you didn't know in all the porn you were looking at and finally looked for the source. Anyways, "still reading" is stretching it when the comic hasn't updated in this long. Maybe by the time the new elder scrolls game comes out you'll actually get another panel, eh?
XKCD
I want to be a huge dick, but I can't actually be that mean. XKCD is the sensible chuckle of webcomics. It's done a solid, 6/10 joke almost every day for the past decade, and you've barely lifted up the sides of your mouth for almost every one of them. It's the webcomic equivalent of a sprite; nobody is out here proclaiming it's glory, but it's consistently Fine Enough.
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
It's not easy to get a degree in a STEM field while managing your own neurodivergent brain, but you did it. Well done! Now you get to read a comic by someone as bitter as you are about it. I hope this reward is worth how much you hate every single class you took in college.
Real Life Comics
Oh yeah, I rediscovered this when the author came out as trans too! It's fun to see like, the old school webcomic format being used to talk about transition, haha. Kinda charming, even if the art isn-
Wait
Wait you were reading it the whole time???? Oh god. Okay that's completely deranged and I have questions about your taste, but I have to ask: how did you read a comic with that much FFXIV content for that long and not @ the author at least once about their gender, i gotta know how hard that was
EGS
Saying something like "you have a tf fetish" or "you are transgender" or "so tell me what else you found on literotica way back when" would be too obvious, so instead...
Every day, you turn up to watch someone stare story progression and thoughtful pacing in the eye and go "what if instead of talking about that, i tried to FIX that LORE MISTAKE I MADE about TEN YEARS AGO" and write their way into 5 new corners. Is the fact that they keep making everyone gayer while doing this really worth it? Are you that desperate to watch someone stumble into queerness in between their 90th baffling lore dump?
Sluggy Freelance
It doesn't matter what I say to make fun of you, because you're probably immune to it at this point. You admitted to being a fan of sluggy freelance, a webcomic so old and weird and bad that I both cannot remember a single thing about it and actively refuse to google to learn what's up with it nowadays. The fact that it's still going scares me, and so do you. I'm moving on.
Penny Arcade
You know, a lot of these I can understand people sticking with out of fascination or love. Maybe they care about the plots, maybe they want to see the characters, who knows.
But you? You're not here for that. You're here cause of inertia. Your rssfeed or bookmarks bar hasn't updated in 20 years, not since you were a teenager yelling slurs in call of duty multiplayer matches, and that's exactly how you like it.
Three Panel Soul
Basically the exact same thing as above, except you're more likely to feel really, really bad about the fact that you used to call people slurs in call of duty. Also you get mad at people because they read penny arcade instead of your comic, and your art's WAY better, so there.
CTRl-ALT-DELETE
Basically the exact same thing as above, except you don't feel bad at all about the fact that you used to call people slurs. Honestly, you probably still do. Also you get mad at people because they read penny arcade instead of your comic, and your art's WAY better. Unlike the three panel soul guy, you're so, so wrong about this.
Dresden Codak
Listen, no matter where we started out... I'm glad you eventually found the strength to transition! It's a hard thing to do, and involves hard work and self analysis. I know you spent a lot of time staring at robot girls online, and I'm proud you were able to eventually realize just what you wanted to do. Maybe even this comic helped you realize that!
Here's my advice for you specifically: whatever you do, don't ever admit how much time you've spent online talking with people about harry potter and the methods of rationality. Just let that part of you quietly die, for the love of god.
OGLAF
See, the fact that you admitted that Oglaf is the one you still read means you're already beyond the sort of shame I could insult you with. You're the sort of guy who keeps sex toys on a proud shelf in his apartment. What am I gonna do, say you're a pervert? Of course you are!
But also, I wouldn't, because oglaf is great lol high five you win this round
Cat and Girl
Aw fuck yeah 2 for 2 on the winners how could i say anything bad about you. This comic's great. Here, hang on everyone else leave so we can talk about it.
Everyone gone?
Okay so like I don't understand 70% of these comics at all lol i'm just faking it so people will think i'm smart. You too? Really? Oh thank fuck, I thought I was alone.
Skin Deep
Skin deep is a great, well written comic, you monsterfucker. It's got interesting plotting and some cool stuff going on, you monsterfucker. And the creature designs are really fantastic, you furry, furry monsterfucker.
I'm not saying that's why you're reading the comic, i'm just saying we both know what you are. We both know you'd commit any number of unspeakable atrocities hitherto unknown to man or dolphin to get inside this piece of media. And that's because you KNOW what you are. And as long as you're stuck on this side of the inked page, that means we call you a monsterfucker.
Paranatural
You're like a lesser version of a homestuck kid. No matter what the comic turns into, no matter where it goes, some part of your brain will always remember reading the earliest parts of it and having your mind blown. It's inescapable; 10 years from now you'll be working your assigned government job in the united communist republic lazily filing documents and your brain will stop and suddenly go "dang wasn't paranatural great".
Yeah, it was.
Homestuck
I'm so sorry. You won't remember this comic occasionally, like above. You're going to be thinking about this comic until the day you die. There was a chance for you to have a happy, peaceful life, and it was ruined when someone sent you that godforsaken link. I'm so sorry. And unlike the paranatural kid, when you someday think back and go "dang wasn't homestuck great" you'll instead be met with 200 different opinions, most of which you'd rather shoot yourself then hear.
You're here forever, kid.
Unsounded
How many people have you told about Unsounded? How many people have you excitedly told about your favorite webcomic, tried to get them to understand this fantasy story? How many times have you excitedly explained the plots and stories of this graphic novel?
And how many of them have actually proceeded to read it? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Listen, I know this is weak, but unsounded is actually pretty good and it's hard to make fun of you. Believe me, if I could see your comic book collection though I could hurt you. We both know that shit is chock full of trash.
The Assorted Works of Evan Dahm (Rice Boy/Order of Tales/Vattu/Third Voice)
You fuckin webcomic hipster, going "well TECHNICALLY they're all vaguely related" so that you can talk about rice boy again. What other "obscure" stuff are you into, want to tell me about how good Bone is, i'm sure nobody's EVER heard of that comic. Cmon, tell me about-
Wait, "Third Voice"? There's a new one? Oh fuck i got tired of vattu but i'll check that out fuck yeah Evan's shit rules. Sorry for being mean I gotta go read something
Freefall
Hi (name of friend redacted to protect the innocent)! Listen, I know you desperately, desperately crave sci fi from someone who's as autistic as you are about everything, but have you considered getting it from a source that progresses at more then 1 day per 10 years of comics? I'm not going to force you, just saying I know plenty of people with that kind of brain who can draw any number of furries for you, instead of just the one doggirl they've been desperately sweating about for 30 years.
Goblins
Wow you're really that much of a masochist, huh. Jesus. I don't know what to say. Do you need a hug? Do you... want a hug? Christ.
Misfile
I cannot describe how much I hate you for making me remember that misfile exists, and more then that, finding out it's still going. Fuck you. You don't actually still read this, you just said it to hurt me. Well two can play at that game, you bastard.
DEPLOYING_MEMETIC_KILL_AGENT
CLICK_HERE_FOR_PSYCHIC_DAMAGE
Hey remember hannah is not a boy's name? Haha. Get fucked
Kevin and Kell
The fact that you still read this means that you've read most of it, and that's a horrifying, horrifying feat. How much of your brain is just jokes about animals eating each other at this point? 60%? 70%? Please, find a way to make that part of your brain useful again, at least get yourself a vore fetish.
Wondermark
I don't know how to make fun of you for this, it's just so... boring. Going to go into the chat to proudly announce I still look at internet memes, how scary and threatening. "Look at me, i think that videos where guys do cool trick shots are fun to watch" yeah man. Wow. Cmon, hit me with something that hurts. Hit me with something that makes my soul regret making this list, hit me with
Dominic Deegan
I WAS JOKING OKAY I WAS JOKING PLEASE I'M SORRY. I'm so sorry. Who are you? Why??? Fucking christ.
Wait no, this one ended, it doesn't qualify! Haha, you fool- you're reading the sequel? Oh. I deeply regret the fact that i now know that is a real thing. Fuck you.
Widdershins
OH SHIT YOU READ WIDDERSHINS? Dm me dude I love this comic nobody ever talks about it, it's not like Great maybe a solid b, b+ but i like the characters a lot we should talk about it hell yeah
The Assorted works Of John Allison (Scary-go-round, Bad Machinery, Giant Days, etc)
When I was a kid, I read a whole bunch of one of these comics and then later realized I didn't remember or understand a single thing I had read. At the time, I thought I had just skimmed too fast or something, but now i know better: I just wasn't extremely british enough to get it. Someday I will return, fish and chips in one hand and union jack in the other, and finally understand this eldritch tome.
The people who do understand it seem to think they're pretty great though, so aside from being British you're probably alright.
TO ALL OF THESE, AND EVERY OTHER ANCIENT COMIC STILL RUNNING
As much as I love being mean, I do have to give you credit. You survived the death of ads, the death of blogs, the explosion of social media. You thought you could make a living off t-shirt sales and adspace, and then the internet continued to happen in the worst way imaginable, and somehow you're still here. Very few industries have changed quite as much as trying to make weird content online, and you've somehow survived long enough to tell your little story. You did it, and that's admirable. Everyone both on this list or still toiling in silence deserves at least some credit for that.
Unless you're ctrl-alt-delete tho. Fuck you.
