pengosolvent

I can't read the rest of this because I feel pain over being told it is an outright lie about the fact that I did try to message you and discord said I could not.

I do not know why discord told me that I couldn't message you because we weren't in mutual servers or such, I just know that that is genuinely what occurred. I tried to message you. I tried to, and that is what discord told me.

It really hurts that you are instantly saying it is a lie. I don't know why you feel I would start something like this with a lie.

Hey Boo. I say very harsh things in this reply. You can choose not to read or reply. You'll probably get hurt reading these words but I strongly feel them as true.

"I'm glad I'm in a better mental state than I was when I left floraverse, because that means I can give the attention to detail this needs."

I feel you probably should have run what you did past others who don't just enable your shitty hateful feelings (the thing you kept trying to get us in the server to do, and that we refused to do), because you are showing the same extremely cruel lack of attention to detail as before. There is basically no difference on this end, in reading what you wrote as a response, and hearing about what you’ve done generally. You still act like a walking hateblog of a person, and this response and your actions are nothing short of repeatedly cruel.

I don’t know how you can claim attention to detail, or that you ever cared about Pengo, while accusing him of lying about something he didn’t lie about. I was speaking to him about this after he couldn’t message you. He was very hurt by it. He wasn’t sure what to do, because if he couldn’t message you, then the option that left was talking publicly about it.

Why does this bother you, Boo? It ends up feeling like you want the option to abuse Pengo and direct more abuse at him, but you want no consequences for how you act or how it hurts others, whether you’re hurting Pengo or Japhet or myself.

Again.

You act hurt by people talking about you in a public space now... but then you go and do that to Pengo, while you KNOW this would be hurtful because of how SSA ignores and overlooks hurting and abusing others? You know this. You KNOW this. You yourself participated in conversations about this. Don't even try to deny this.

It ends up feeling like spiteful and petty revenge, despite whatever you think it is. You are participating in harming Pengo, Japhet, Phoebe, and the community, despite how much trash talking you did about SSA when no one even wanted to hear about them basically ever.

You then immediately accuse Pengo of lying (and I know you already admitted to Japhet he wasn't, since Japhet had proof Pengo wasn't)... and why would that be?

Could it be because you wished Pengo hadn't spoken publicly about you, and that if he WANTED to work this out privately with you in order to consider you... that would be him caring? And that if you accepted he cared, you'd be accepting that you've been abusing someone that is trying to care for you? Because that's how it feels to myself and others. It feels like you jumped to the conclusion that he lied, because it's much more painful if you viciously and cruelly attacked someone who kept trying to care about you (even if you couldn't feel it).

I wish I could feel you cared about how you're hurting others. I wish this were at all present in your words and actions. It's just not, in my view.

This is what it felt like over and over and over in the server, Boo. This is the thing that kept hurting a LOT of people about engaging with you. It would feel like you wanted free reign to not treat people as people (I’m not even going to go into how much you dehumanized SSA and we had to course correct you to not treat them or anyone else “bad” as people, even though now you’ve gone to them now that you want validation for you abusing the community), and you got hurt when we would tell you you were not treating people as people. It felt so much like you wanted to avoid any consequences to being hateful.

You are not treating Pengo as a real person with thoughts and feelings.

It’s not just “unkind” that you started out by saying Pengo was lying… it’s cruel. It sets the whole tone for the rest of it. You should NOT have even replied at all if you felt he was lying like this, in my opinion. You should have taken time to actually check on the situation. You have treated him cruelly and you continue to do so and it’s not acceptable.

I don’t understand why you’re doing this to someone you supposedly cared about. I don’t feel you’ll even take a second to think about what it means that you got something so wrong, IMMEDIATELY. Like… yeah, if you paint to your therapist that everyone’s just lying and out to get you all the time, and don’t go into detail about what happened or even ALLOW for the possibility that you’re wrong… then of course it’s going to feel like abuse. They can only work with the information that you provide, Boo, and this is what you really were terrible at repeatedly in the space. Making NO room for ANYONE ELSE’S CONTEXT OR FEELINGS is something you KEPT hurting others with.

You even had means to know he wouldn’t have lied about this, and that this is not something he would lie about. He’s talked about this before. We BOTH have because we have experience with feeling like there was some kind of software glitch or something preventing us from talking to each other, causing a WHOLE conflict that didn’t need to be there. You would KNOW THIS if you spent time reading his words and caring about what it meant to him.

It was upsetting and scary when you talked about how much you “cared about Pengo” while making your picture that came across like guilt tripping. How was he seriously supposed to engage you very well when you turned all of his feelings and pain into self-abuse? You did that, Boo! You spent so much time talking about hating yourself, and you turned ALL these feelings of care people showed towards you into self-abuse!

YOU said you faked positivity! YOU are the one who admitted to lying about positive feelings, hating yourself but putting fake positivity on top! WE sure as fuck didn’t do that! YOU did that, REPEATEDLY. PEOPLE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT THIS REPEATEDLY. IT’S NOT HEALTHY.

So yeah how the fuck are you supposed to feel any of his care, if you lie about care you feel? How? It’s so fucking horrendously cruel that Pengo put frankly a LOT of effort into the words he said in this post, so much more effort than I would have wanted to put in after the way you treated him and used the community, and you respond as if he’s the same as your fucking rapist.

On this note, it feels horrendous that you acted like you thought River was being raped in an update (he wasn't. How you interpreted it was not what was happening. I would have included a fucking content warning for this if that had been the case and YOU DID NOT THINK TWICE ABOUT THIS, AGAIN.), and Pengo was hurt by this because your interpretation of River's situation was very much was not the case... and he's put a lot into River. He cares a lot about River, a lot of his personal feelings about care are in River... and he never got a chance to tell you that wasn't what was happening in the update. But you just trash these feelings in order to inflict that same kind of pain, "I can't feel your words so you're as bad as my rapist", onto him? Not even considering what this might bring up or mean or cause? As if he has no feelings on this kind of thing? As if he would not care about rape? What the absolute fuck? Stop dumping your damage on him. It is beyond cruel. It's sad you went through that (I literally had a dream about the time Marl raped me, this morning! I woke up from that and directly went into reading your stupid comment here, because you hurt Pengo and Japhet was upset too. I was raped by an older man in my dream today!)... but it doesn't give you a right to trash Pengo's words. It can make sense for your personal reasons that you don't feel Pengo's words, but that doesn't mean they're not REAL. You are being shitty and cruel when you act like feelings don't exist just because YOU CAN'T FEEL THEM.

Again... Just because you can’t feel Pengo’s words doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Just because you can’t feel the remorse for how you feel pain over the interactions DOESN’T MEAN HE DOESN’T FEEL PAIN. STOP ERASING HIM AND OVERWRITING HIM.

I HATE the way you accused him of being a liar just so you wouldn’t have to face immediately that he tried to care, AGAIN, by approaching in private, and couldn't! Literally why does it matter to you that he tried to message you and couldn't? You posted in public, so why does it matter to you that he did as well, after he couldn't do it in private?

I hate the way you erase his reasons. I hate the way you manipulate the narrative. I wish you treated his reasons as real an extant. I wish you ever, ever treated him as a person. I wish you ever treated the ways you hurt him as real. I'm glad you left. I regret you participating in my events. I honestly feel glad if your post makes others who act the way you do not come to the server. That would be such a relief. It's been so much less stressful overall in this way with you having left, because people aren't constantly worried you're going to explode and lash out at them and go to some hate site (after acting like the hate sites are bad people).

I wish you changed. I wish you ever at all changed. I wish you could understand how painful it is, and how creepy it feels, when you act like "You make me want to kill myself! I love you" to people's faces without any acknowledgement of how fucking painful this is to keep encountering. I wish you didn't erase and ignore Pengo's emotional struggles. I do wish you'd just not been part of the community. It'd have saved both you and everyone else the pain of going through you repeatedly taking out your abusive situation on us.

I wish you at all understood that people were reacting in pain to your actions and made literally any effort to change these actions. People tried, so, so fucking hard for you, Boo. I watched this over and over. Again, just because you couldn't feel it doesn't mean it isn't real. Even right now, people are still getting hurt by you doing this and not acknowledging others.

I wish you treated Japhet's feelings as real either. I wish I had stepped in more when Chrosocolla was being creepy to Myandery. I wish I'd known what to do. I wish you hadn't participated in the RP. I wish you hadn't taken out violent feelings on others a lot. I wish you didn't treat "bad people" like they deserve to be hurt. Over and over and over you do this.

I don't know how you're ever going to keep or maintain any friendships while you act like this and don't care about how you make others feel. I just don't. You talked a lot about being and feeling lonely and it made me sad. I did feel sad for you. But now I just feel... tired. Like seriously, what do you expect? You burn others the moment you can't drain them anymore. How many of your "nice" feelings towards anyone are even real?

Is it really that bad to be yourself that you need to lie all the time about who you are?

Like, of course you're going to accuse others of lying when they're not if lying is... what you do, on the regular. If that's what you admitted doing, and that's something you treat as acceptable. And you're going to keep hurting others this way. And you're not going to be able to maintain any stable friendships or feel any care if you keep lying and don't actually acknowledge you're hurting others. People won't be able to trust you, and you won't be able to trust others.

I truthfully don't even know how to feel sad about this right now, because I honestly feel furious about the way you're treating Pengo, Japhet, and Phoebe. I feel like it's sad in abstract when people are lonely and don't know how to connect, but we SPENT SO MUCH TIME TALKING TO YOU ABOUT HOW TO CONNECT IN HEALTHY WAYS and it's like you've spat on ALL of it because it's hard. So long as you're jumping to conclusions about others and cruelly saying they're lying when they're not, and erasing that they feel pain and sadness for you, you're going to be alone. I really hope this isn't how it goes for you. So fucking genuinely I wish you could find care in someone and stop being such a hateful, miserable person. I wish this so badly.

Please work through your pain and stop taking it out on others. Stop using words like "care" like a bludgeon to manipulate people into the emotional responses you want. This is how you saying you "cared" about Pengo came across before. And now this has happened, and no one is surprised.

No one is surprised, because you acted, repeatedly, like hurting people was acceptable. You still are. You contributing to SSA is the same as using them. You can't erase the ways you dehumanized SSA when you were in our space. You just can't. I remember that, so do others. I disliked you dehumanizing them then, and I dislike you using them now, despite how they hurt people I care about. You're using them just like you used us, but the thing is, they don't even know it, and they don't even seem to care so long as they can attack us.

You know this, too. You were around this. And now you act towards Japhet like it's no big deal, to direct abuse towards him and his friends... by using a site you hated?

Everyone felt scared of saying no to you. It's sad you felt you couldn't say no to Pengo, but I don't really feel like it's the reality. I feel he tried very hard to respect nos. On the other hand, you seemed very hurt by Pengo not wanting money you offered. It ends up feeling like you want to buy friendships because you don't know how to actually care about people's feelings for what they are. It's tiring. It's frustrating. I, too, felt like "if I tell Boo no and tell him how badly it frustrates me that he keeps hurting people and how bad it hurts to me too, Boo is going to explode and lash out."

You seemed to act appreciative of Pengo pointing out when you were hurtful. I remember this as well. What happened to this? Suddenly it's bad now? Or was that a lie, too? Was that another lie about positive feelings?

Literally how was Pengo supposed to know any of your real feelings if you said you "appreciated" knowing you hurt him, but you didn't mean it? That is your responsibility. That is your responsibility to not fucking lie about positive feelings you have. If you didn't lie, maybe you'd be able to feel his fucking words... because then he'd be engaging with the REAL you instead of the FAKE you who "appreciates" "knowing" about when you're hurting others. You don't come across as caring about that whatsoever. So you'll just end up hurting people you "care" about, forever, because you lie about caring to begin with. Please stop lying about positive feelings, if you want to change this. Please stop lying about any feelings, please fucking check before accusing others of lying, please stop projecting bullshit onto them. Please. For your sake as well as everyone else's.

It's your responsibility to not engage when you feel you can't say no to someone, it's your responsibility to work it out. He wasn't lying about his feelings. He wasn't lying about when he cared, and how he cared. Patience can be eroded over time by someone getting hurt repeatedly, like you did to Pengo. And you don't even factor this in. He says he got hurt by you, and your response is "I forgive you" and not "I'm sorry I hurt you too" to ANY of this?

You act like his feelings are wrong JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T FEEL THEM? That doesn't mean his feelings are fucking wrong. It means you're not feeling them. It's tragic you can't feel him caring here because I did feel a lot of caring from his words. Again, I wouldn't have been as charitable as he was. You hurt people repeatedly and this seems to be fucking nowhere in your words, Boo. Pengo is pained and sad in ways you can't feel... but you don't even ATTEMPT to show pain or sadness or care for how you hurt the whole fucking community and continue to do so.

Lo and behold.

I don't really know what to say to you except...

I wish you'd stop using people. I wish you'd stop trying to emotionally and financially manipulate others into being your friend while you overlook the ways you treat people with extreme cruelty. I really so much wish this. I don't feel pain right now. I don't feel much of anything anymore. I was mad earlier but now I'm just disappointed. You've been such a disappointing person to know. I really hope you can grow, Boo.

I don't know how Pengo's supposed to take your positive words as anything but fake when you admitted you lie about positivity.

Stop acting like the worst thing you can do is care about someone who might grow distant from you because they've been hurt by you. Stop blaming people for being hurt by you. Stop blaming Pengo, Japhet, Phoebe, anyone and everyone who's been hurt by you. Stop acting like because someone doesn't show you nurturing warm feelings they don't have because you kept hurting them, that they just want to fight you.

Stop acting like care you don't understand is innately fake. Stop abusing yourself.

It feels like Pengo tried to write something genuinely, with both pain and care, and your response was to actively try to hurt him. It feels like if you could have gotten away with it, you would have physically attacked him. Fucking stop.

I fucking hate that Japhet shared that Pengo emotionally supported Japhet from getting away from his HORRENDOUS homelife... and you fucking brushed this off in order to impose your reality that Pengo just "chose" to hurt you and doesn't care. It's fucking bullshit. You didn't show ANY CARE FOR JAPHET BEING SAFE. NONE. YOU DID NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AT ALL. LITERALLY HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO FEEL YOU CARE ABOUT ANYTHING when Japhet expresses Pengo SAVED HIS LIFE (I LITERALLY BELIEVE THIS TO BE TRUE AS WELL) and you IGNORE THIS? You ignore this to TRASH on Pengo and act like he WANTED to and CHOSE to hurt you? He NEVER DID. HE NEVER WANTED TO. HE NEVER CHOSE TO. HE WAS ALWAYS TRYING GENUINELY.

I WISH you had shown ANY care for Japhet finally escaping. I wish this so hard. I wish I wish I wish that you weren't so poisoned by your surroundings and environment that you couldn't even be happy for Japhet. This makes me so unbelievably upset right here. Fuck this so hard dude. It speaks so much about you.

PLEASE fucking grow up and learn to care about a single other person. Jesus fucking Christ.

I've taken time to think over this, and I don't think I want to engage any futher with you. I don't feel it's healthy for me or you. I currently don't feel I will be speaking about you in public again if you are worried about that, save for if people try to harass me over this, which unfortunately, you have enabled them to do so.

I guess my final thoughts are I just don't like that you immediately said things were an outright lie.

Part of why Ash wrote the vent post that led to the callout I wrote was because he thought I blocked him on Skype, when I hadn't. Skype just had a glitch.
I feel like I've talked about this before... It hurts a lot that Skype glitching like that led to Ash thinking I no longer wanted to talk to him, so he tried to take his feelings publicly instead, because he was upset.
I tried to message you. I expressed in my post that it was either a discord thing or you blocked me and it was fine... because it is fine to me. It's fine if you don't want to talk to me, or if discord is being weird.

I did not feel anger in writing my post above. I didn't want to take my post publicly because I was upset or wanted to hurt you or lie or something.
Japhet got hurt because someone came to him rushing to tell him about the stuff you shared... I was angry Japhet got hurt by that person, but I was not angry at you.

I wish you hadn't immediately assumed I was lying. I try so hard not to lie. I try to be open about the feelings I feel. If you cannot trust my words, that's okay, you don't have to. But then please don't interact with me, at all.

Please don't interact with any of my work or anything about me, if you feel like I just lie and I don't care. It's not healthy for you or for me.

Good bye.