pengosolvent

So I was watching a YouTube video and I looked to the description to check out people from it
I click on someone and immediately their Twitter says they basically just came back after a years long hiatus because of accusations from others in their friend group that led to a public harassment campaign towards them

I felt immensely jarred about this???

For context, I'm someone who wrote a callout about someone else (extremely long story) and it took us years to eventually reconnect and now we're close again
If that sounds wild: yes it was wild, it is wild, human connection is a very versatile thing if we allow it be and I would not trade this connection and understanding for anything else in the world

Anyway, I've had years to think about why I wrote a callout in the first place and so it's bizarre and uncomfortable to come across callouts/harassment just in a random corner of the internet

Like "wow, I definitely took a life changing action from a culmination of a lot of neglect and abuse in my life that I wasn't looking at! I chose violence instead of just talking about my feelings because I felt my feelings didn't matter, and I felt like the only 'justice' that existed was making someone else feel pain and that's a bit fucked up! A lot fucked up! I feel discomfort that I was encouraged to do this (and only discouraged from one friend at the time who I didn't listen to)! It's weird that people encouraged me to basically go to internet-war and I just accepted this! I would rather take actions that help the world be a place where feelings matter and we can all receive help and support before it gets to a point where we got scorched earth, and the fact I took actions so far removed from this is not just letting others down but letting myself down too, and- oh my God why is watching this random YouTube video leading me to see the torn remains of someone else's life right now, what the fuck"

I'm not very social, I'm still trying to refine my sense of self enough that I can avoid feeling responsible for everyone's feelings around me (responsibility OCD is a bitch, especially paired with encountering people who levied their life as a way to control me, time and time again)

I actively try to be slower in my engagement for my own mental health (really fast online engagement is detrimental when the social media site actively curated itself to generate engagement without caring about if its healthy, etc etc)

So I find myself thinking "other people might go 'well yeah of course, this is super common now, do you live under a rock?'" and the answer is Yes and has been Yes for years, but... Man, this really doesn't have to be so common!

For some reason, it really hit me how bizarre it was that we can have these contextless snippets of time at our fingertips, videos that stay as they were in that moment, even after the friendly connection between those people has dissipated

It left me feeling strangely hollow to think over. The video ended up feeling kind of like a ghost, or a shell

I don't really know what happened in that friend group, I didn't feel the need to try to dig deeper because I don't have any connection to those people so having that information doesn't really do anything for me, and checking that kind of thing would absolutely mess with my OCD so I have to be careful (morality and responsibility OCD: hell combo)

But the basic concept itself just feels so bizarre
Its like a hard cut in a movie from a bunch of friends hanging out to suddenly seeing the room they hung out in decimated after an explosion

It's bizarre to feel both a quiet awe at humanity being able to record and share videos, and a stunned acknowledgement that a lot of people currently treat others like figures they are entitled to, like sharks that taste blood in the water instead of... You know, human beings that can actively make choices that reduce harm in the world

It made me sad some, not an open sadness but a heavy muted melancholy

So the drawing has general feelings around this, around seeing a snapshot of a "better time" and then immediately seeing that inverted

I'm still not sure how to articulate it well since... I mean, as mentioned, I was someone who made a callout and had years to see and feel the aftereffects of it! It's really hard to convey the scope of this, especially when a lot of the time I find people try to look away from it? Try to act like my experiences and feelings don't count, try to talk over me like they Know More about my own experiences, don't actually read, so on

So when trying to share my feeling, it almost feels like a futile effort because people who like callouts (and I use that wording very deliberately because there are people who 'enjoy' the process of harassing someone who they see as lesser. It helps them feel better about themself, and I say that not to jab at anyone, but from personal experience) can get pretty defensive about someone going "Hmmm... You know, this is actually kinda fucked up?"

And it's not even like that's a new take either? "harassment campaigns are fucked up" wow, really? I never knew. <-- I say, as I know and have known

They truncate a nuanced position into "so I guess you just SUPPORT evil people then right?"

It's annoying!

So what can I really say when these people try to reroute any and all attention to their own wants? Nothing? Nah, I've tried that, it's not kind to myself

The people who don't like callouts tend to have some understanding already that feeding one's hatred by attacking acceptable targets is probably unhealthy, so I don't need to say much there

So then... Where in my feeling is actually what I want to share? The personalized thing I can say that ties to me and my experiences?
And if I find that... What is the value in sharing it? Will others care to hear?

(well, I hope so because literally you had to click through to read this, so you made a choice to read it instead of just look at the picture???)

So, ultimately, I drew this image of Quantusemwal, a character who is a different iteration of another character of mine (Decateranomy)

I don't know what it is I actually want to share, I'm not precise enough to know yet

Every time I get damaged internally, it's harder and harder to be precise and there's more work to be done to figure out what I want to say
And that's sad for me sometimes, but I do keep trying

So, I've just... Left the feeling into this image

I think part of it is how "stagnant" things can feel. When social media moves really quickly and people can get really overstimulated and not have enough time to actually think through what they're doing or saying, there's not really room for people to register that, for a lot of situations, they can talk things out and not just immediately burn others
That's not even going into external influences outside of social media, how being cutthroat is often encouraged in business, how much abuse students tank at every level of the education system (in the US at least), how feelings and processing often gets treated like something only weak people take heed of

It feels like seeing symptoms of a deep disease and knowing it can be worked with, but... Feeling a lack of faith that it will be

I guess this piece holds a bit of mourning. It's sad to see people be happy, to partake in that happiness even if it's just from being an observer of a video online, and to realize that happiness has passed a long time ago

But... The reason I wrote that quote from the utopianism video ("the past cannot be recreated but it can be surpassed") is because it helped me recall that something being broken down doesn't mean it can't get better

On bad days, my black and white thinking (I mean this in the psychology sense, thank you ocd) can act like if something bad happened, that's just what will stick around forever
"these people had a falling out, and now they're sad, forever, because it's going to be public forever"

But that's... There's so, so many assumptions there

So this image holds that? The... The feeling of seeing something painful and feeling the uncertainty of 'will this be forever?'

I don't know those people, but... I mean... It wasn't forever for me and ash?
It took like... 6 years before we reconnected, and even more years for me to actually get out of my little hateful shell and truly accept that I fucked up (and they had too)

But... Even though it's been really, really hard, that period of time of distress and hate and pain wasn't forever? I didn't... Want it to be forever
Ash didn't want it to be forever
And we worked towards that

And... That's not necessarily going to happen for everyone yeah, sometimes someone who you hurt doesn't want to talk to you anymore
And sometimes someone who hurt you doesn't actually care to work things out

But it doesn't mean that pain stays the same forever...

Something I keep trying to learn (and relearn.) is... If I feel bad from something someone else says there's something inside of me reacting to their action and the context

This pain and melancholy I felt and placed in the above image... Well, it's in large part from myself! Which is why I opened writing this with some context, that I wrote a callout and it's been complicated and painful and etc

I have the power to mold the pain I feel and find what in me is feeling it and why

If I didn't, I'd be acting like others hold complete power over my feelings, and... Existing like that was what made me so resentful and hateful in the first place...

That "stagnant" feeling, feeling like I can't do anything to be happy, that my happiness is dependent on others and thus if others aren't responsible for me and making me happy, they're actively choosing to hurt me

(PTSD and OCD: also hell combo)

When I pick up that feeling in others, I can feel sad for them

It's a really lonely place to be.

I suppose that's part of the feeling of the piece above as well... A loneliness, like being in a small room

"this positive thing was once here, and now it is not and it never will be again"

When... Really... Again, "the past cannot be recreated but it can be surpassed"

It's really important to remember that... Or else... Well, or else you can get bitter and resentful and pour energy into harassing people you hate for years because what else even is there to do?
Your happiness is over so might as well go nuclear?

It's a really short sighted concept, one I got stuck in, so it... It's just rough to encounter it sometimes

Currently, I'm feeling better, but... Yeah, I guess that's the basics of this image
Theres another image I'm writing about that I'll post shortly that's kind of a continuation from this point
edit: i posted it

Thanks for reading if you did so from a place of openness