pengosolvent

OK so the previous image was more of a melancholic feeling, and this one is more of a feeling of processing past that... I suppose a feeling of "faith", a willingness to believe and hold onto something

I had rewatched the video on utopianism, and one of the things the video said was something like... Every revolution was unrealistic until it happened? That every change to a system is deemed unrealistic because "realism" gets defined by those in power... Who... Don't really want to look at things or to change

And it felt really freeing to register that!

I struggle a LOT with objective thinking, with black and white thinking
I have for years and only recently really grasped it as related to unmanaged OCD tangled with trauma

"If I could just figure out what's objective with certainty, I never have to be wrong about anything ever again (and thus I never have to be HURT ever again!)" <-- thing my abused brain keeps trying to sneak into my beliefs

Avoiding being "unrealistic" is a really big issue for me, in part from when people have put unrealistic (and often times unstated) expectations on me and I get hurt when I don't fulfill them, and also in part from pushing myself WAY too hard because my own concept of what's realistic for me to do is skewed and often doesn't consider my own comfort level and limitations

So something being "unrealistic" holds a lot of weight for me... But I hadn't fully grasped that this can be used to discourage change until that video put words to it

Like... Yes, certain thoughts and feelings are unrealistic in this framework! But the problem is the framework itself!
Yeah, in some ways it may be unrealistic to expect, for example, random people online to respect artists and artwork
But that lack of respect to artists and artwork is a learned behavior from a lot of capitalist rhetoric being treated as innately true? Like, people treating art as something to consume and thus only judging it based on how they can use it (instead of, say, thinking about the value it had for the artist to draw, what feelings are in it, what feelings it brings out in you, so on) and how much they get for their money's worth is NOT something innate!

So to say it's unrealistic to expect respect for art makes sense within the system, but it implies thinking the system cannot be changed? which it CAN be

if it's unrealistic to expect something good in our current system, that means that we can look at how the system can change, not just go "well i guess i'll give up my dreams and accept my feelings don't matter"

So this image holds feelings of... "Yes, sometimes our feelings are treated as unrealistic, but that can sometimes be because others are trying to build a reality that actively disincludes our feelings. "

I mean, that's not in every situation obviously, but it helped recontextualize my feelings on when I feel helpless in some ways
"Unrealistic" is often important for the self, to work within one's limits and not burn out, but it can also be co-opted with intent to isolate and discourage ideas that generate change

I'm thinking about when I was looking into art colleges (wow, over 10 years ago now) and I went to a... what's the term, open house? I went to a showing from one of the colleges (Full Sail University) basically and the guy they chose to try to convince us to go to the school had fucking anti-charisma honestly
he clearly didn't actually care about art, and he felt slimy, the way only an old dude who worships the economy divinely can be

i asked him about 2D animation and he literally laughed in my face and said "there's no money in that"

In the image, when I write "They will try to act like they have thought of it all before...
Like your dreams fit within none of their calculations...", that's the sort of experience I am referencing

I was interested in 2D animation, in my own dream of art and expression, and he laughed, because to him there's no money in it
as if money is the only reason to do anything

(I'm still bitter about that guy, but simultaneously, good thing I didn't go to that school I guess.)

My feelings and love for animation weren't part of his calculations
but they really don't have to be
I don't have to play by his rules

I keep trying to retain this, to remember how to explore myself and draw what I want to draw, and write what I want to write

It becomes so difficult to tell when something is myself vs when it's how I think I "should" be acting, thanks to years and years of jagged cutting remarks like those

The utopianism video also denoted how damaging it is to feel disconnected from a better future, and I super agree

The previous image held a disconnect from a nicer future, but this one is holding the belief of a nicer future

even if our dreams don't fit in the current calculations of people who don't care, it doesn't mean we still can't nurture and grow them

Being disconnected from a better future is often when I feel at my lowest. When I feel "this is as good as it gets" I can become resentful when I see other people who are doing better off (in my eyes), even if they're friends
I can become resentful of a lot of things and then feel like trying to relieve some of that tension by being harsh and negative to something else

If there is no "better" future, then things can only get worse, and the way to improve your situation would be to worsen everything around everyone else
it becomes ... treating happiness like a limited resource that you need to hoard?
ugh

it's a really dark place to be

i can forget about holding onto the concept of a better future sometimes... it hurts every time

it can feel like it's always the same, every time, it's always the same pain and issue and nothing gets better (this is black and white thinking btw)

But watching that video for some reason got me to thinking about how... we go through similar patterns historically, but it's also ... different? Even if there are many similarities, there are also differences, and it really hit me how nothing is ever truly 1 to 1 the same due to the context it arises in and how it, as a result, changes

So there's always a chance for a better future because nothing is ever the same... It's not like if we keep trying something, it will keep giving the same results forever. We have ways to change how we try for it! We have ways to grow if we try

this writing is a bit disjointed because i struggle to word myself often, but ultimately the feeling is that it's worth it to be oneself, to understand what one wants and to grow

We can be our own best friends, we don't have to hate ourselves
It's okay to want better for us, even if it's hard work

That's something I struggle with internalizing
I end up feeling "Well, I'm just not good enough, so I can't expect people to care, I can't even expect myself to care"

But... It's only unrealistic in a system that doesn't value life or connection
And that system can change!
We can change it, we can change what we see and accept and why

It's a nice feeling