Future Perfect

The human body contains "nerves." These are special, mysterious fibers that connect your brain to your body. There are 106 nerves:

1. The one that tells you when it's warm
2. The one that tells you when it's cold
3. The one that tell's you when it's balmy
4. The one that makes you nauseous when you're really hungry
5. The one for your left eye
6. The one for your right eye
7. The one for your medial eye (deprecated)
8. Slime (detection)
9. Slime (production)
10. The stubbed toe warner
11. The one for tasting sweet
12. The one for tasting sour
13. The one for tasting salt
14. The one for tasting spice
15. The one for tasting acid
16. The one for tasting transition metals
17. The one for tasting umami
18. The one for tasting the forbidden meats
19. The one for not tasting
20. "The troublemaker"
21. The one that lets you know when you have lots of earwax
22. USB-C
23. Firewire
24. SCSI
25. SATA
26. The one that lets you feel when a bug is walking on your skin
27. The one for experiencing deja-vu
28. The one that can do anything any of the other nerves can
29. The one that can do anything any of the other nerves can (poorly)
30. The one for perfect pitch
31. The one it takes to smile
32. One of the two nerves it takes to frown
33. See 32
34. One of the eighteen nerves it takes to smile in a way that looks good on camera
35. See 34
36. See 34
37. See 34
38. See 34
39. See 34
40. See 34
41. See 34
42. See 34
43. See 34
44. See 34
45. See 34
46. See 34
47. See 34 (if this one ever sustains any sort of injury you immediately die)
48. See 34
49. See 34
50. See 34
51. See 34
52. See 34
53. The one that can tell how something is going to end
54. See 77
55. The one that causes all the problems
56. The one that lies in wait for the day the appendix is roused to give it an order
57. The one for experiencing deja-vu
58. [REDACTED]
59. The one that can hear a bell
60. The one that makes you salivate
61. The one that allows you to feel the caress of a lover
62. The one that allows you to feel the blade of an enemy
63. The one that allows you to feel the thorough indifference of a fellow passenger on the bus
64. The one that channels the as-yet hidden psychic powers you always knew you had
65. The one that lets you inflate your vocal sac in order to attract a mate (deprecated)
66. The one that lets you inflate your vocal sac in order to attract a bus (still evolving)
67. The one that allows you to see ghosts
68. The one vampires always puncture by accident and then they make a funny face and go peh peh as they try to get all the gunk out of their mouth
69. I know what you think this one's gonna be. Nuh-uh. Get your mind out of the gutter and learn something, for once. This one tells you when it's time to take a nap.
70. The one that was implanted by the KGB as part of Operation Raketno-Yadernoe Napadenie
71. The one that was implanted by the CIA as part of Operation HTLINGUAL
72. The one that was implanted by Québécois separatists, FOR REASONS YET UNKNOWN
73. The one that lets you make lists
74. The one that wakes you up before your alarm
75. The one that makes you irredeemably evil
76. The one that reads the item in a list immediately above the one at which you had intended to look
77. See 54
78. This nerve identification has been left to the reader.
79. The one that tells you if you received an electric shock
80. That one that allows you to shock others
81. The one that carries your ability to sense the magnetic fields surrounding you
82. The one that identifies dark and inviting holes in which to hide yourself
83. The one that is the one that it is
84. "The Gamer's Nerve"
85. The one that makes you nervous
86. The one that makes fingernails grow
87. The one that does a big loop through the body but never actually connects to anything
88. The one that makes your ears rumble
89. The one that tells you if music is objectively good
90. The one that can't be beat®
91. The one that does literally all of your fingers and toes. You might think that you can control your fingers and toes individually, but that's actually just all muscle memory. Sorry!
92. The one that lets you play Sorry!
93. The one that forces you to play Solitaire.
94. The one that remembers the '90s.
95. The one that forgets your grandmother's face. You try to remember her, but you realize the picture in your head is just that, a memory of a photograph. You try to imagine her face without the flash, without the stark lines and bright highlights--perhaps her in her favorite chair? But that, too, is a memory of a photo, out-of-focus and poorly-framed, taken by one of her grandchildren.
96. The one that recognizes you in the mirror
97. The one that apologizes
98. The one that does all the Oliver Sacks stuff
99. The one that gets excited about round numbers
100. The one for experiencing deja-vu
101. The one that does all the bad stuff about yourself that you don't like. Any doctor can remove this nerve as a frankly trivial bit of out-patient surgery. They won't do it, though.
102. The one that does unease
103. The one that remembers how long a list was stated to be
104. The one that doesn't want things to end
105. The one that accepts that which it cannot change
106. THIS IS THE SEX ONE.