Source: This is definitely SMBC, and I remember reading it on the site, but I have been unable to find the original comic. SMBC is famously hard to search; I found a few reposts that don't link back to the original, and nothing else.
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in reply to @postgarf's post:
may his troubled soul find peace where ever he may be~
in reply to @relevant-comic's post:
I was able to find it: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/technical
I've had good luck with the spreadsheet in the past, but it has enough typos that sometimes it doesn't work. In this case, I tried "past tense" and got no results.