We need to stop thinking through the most plausible answers to the Fermi paradox, or even the most optimistic/pessimistic answers. We need to gather our brightest minds to think of the funniest answers to the Fermi paradox.
-
The very first galactic civilizations are being built right now, but thanks to the lightspeed barrier we can't see any of them. When we develop warp drives in the next 100 years or so we will find that other aliens already got there first. They left us alone because invasion makes zero sense with a practically infinite number of planets and resource-rich asteroids
-
There is a great filter, and it makes everyone stay home, but the filter is that we all inevitably develop mathematically perfect pornography
-
Theory of Everything reveals a hidden message embedded in the laws of physics that says "Thanks for playing the shareware version of existence! To get all four episodes, send a check or money order to—"
-
Nobody leaves their home planet because their internet gives them the existential dread of "everything's already been done/thought of before, so what's the point"
- there are million-year-old intelligent civilisations out there, but they've all also encountered the Fermi paradox and decided they're evidently alone in the universe, so why bother with interstellar travel?
- Every civilisation sends out their nudes on a satellite at some point during their early space exploration for other species to find. Because they all start regretting that decision later, everybody is awkwardly trying to avoid each other.
- That static that we think is echoes from the big bang is actually billions of species leaving open mics on, all blending together so no one can hear anything or realize other people are talking.
- Zoo Hypothesis But For Spite: The alien civilizations were going to contact us but got so pissed off at Enrico Fermi personally because of the Fermi paradox that they decided to isolate all of humanity out of spite
- We've been put on this planet as a punishment, and the only star map back to our old home world is in a crashed spaceship out in the desert somewhere.
Also...
I honestly think the first answer about the lightspeed barrier might be the best theory on galactic civilization or whatnot. I'm not an astrophysicist or anything, but I do know that the light reaching us is quite old, sometimes billions of years old or more, so we're only seeing what's going on with a planet billions of years ago—aliens could be just like us, wondering why we haven't sent them any radio messages.
