I've always suspected of course that I've been spurred into action, prodded by my own system.
It's an embarrassing thing to admit. I try to put up a bold front but really I'm a tender and frail creature, a H. P. Lovecraft neurasthenic if you like—I haven't totally overcome or worked round my issues, so I'm unreliable. And this...well, I hate it. I was specially strongly reminded of it yesterday and it's been eating at me. Everyone around me has to put up with my unreliability and I'm sure it sucks for everyone, and the most I can say in my defence is that I try to keep this sort of thing as limited as possible. I'm aware and uncomfortable with the knowledge that everyone round me regards me (to a degree) as a broken person.
I don't want to have any pride, and yet I feel as if I need some pride to live. I've yet to work out exactly what my relationship with the concept of "pride" is.
Anyway, seems like I've been boobed by my own system, literally. Much has been hidden from me, for my own safety. I can appreciate that. I've had a lot of inklings but...well...The Inklings are involved in this mess too.
whatever am I going to tell mother
~Chara of Pnictogen