Kotomine Kirei.
For a long time I was terrified this guy was in our system somewhere. It seemed to make too much sense, because of our Catholicism, but as it turns out we never had THAT sort of Catholic experience (you know the one I mean) so we think we're safe, though I admit that I'm still a little afraid he'll pop through a doorway unexpectedly. In earlier days Sir Mordred or someone else would probably have just spitted him immediately but we don't want to do things that way, especially because I feel like I do kinda understand parts of this guy. We do have some things in common, enough to worry me.
Nasu Kinoko might have some Problematical™ issues but I've got to say, he's spot on with his insight into the Catholic mindset (and a lot of other things). He's got this guy clocked, and is superb at depicting that kinda...awful, self-absorbed, navel-gazing thing that corrupted Christians are really good at, like the most important thing in the world was that he Fell. Kirei's hypocrisy is on point: he can put so much energy into Christian invocations (used as magic spells) that gosh darn it it almost sounds like he MEANS it! When he fries old man Matou in the third Heaven's Feel movie it's almost epic—but it's still fucking Kotomine Kirei. I've never seen a better depiction of such a hollow person, hollow but still self-aware enough to know that something is dreadfully wrong with him and he needs answers.
He actually envies Emiya Kiritsugu. Just...yeah. You know what, though? I kinda do too.
In Fate/Zero there's a kind of labored but still interesting scene that cross-cuts between briefings: Kirei's learning about Kiritsugu and coming to some rather doofy conclusions about the guy but ones that are very consistent for a fallen Christian. It's how they all talk, like they can see into the sicknesses of everyone's soul with their laser vision. (The last Heaven's Feel movie supplies the counterpoint: Kirei admitting in retrospect that he'd been totally wrong about Kiritsugu but that, much like neutral Flowey, he still just doesn't get him.) Meanwhile Kiritsugu is learning about how Kirei started out as a promising candidate for priesthood but ended up bouncing around whatever shit jobs the Church gave him—sounds a bit familiar eh?—and then he kinda bounced through magical study as well, not responding to ANY particular discipline. It horrifies Kiritsugu, which is a bit funny considering what he himself thinks of being a mage.
But I was like that too, for so long. I think of all the different subjects I tried, always with genuine interest, but then some trauma would fling me out of them. The one lucky break I got, Classics, hasn't been practically useful yet although I've always valued the sense of academic grounding it's given me. It actually meant a LOT to see a humanities professor touch (however briefly) upon mathematical or scientific concepts that I knew from a different angle; I could see instantly that the two perspectives squared with each other. Hence I can actually say that I have an alma mater and...you know, that's pretty cool. I don't think a lot of people get that from college these days.
And it was never enough either. I'm not sorry I didn't take up the subject academically, in grad school, which would have been a terrifying dead end, especially now that it seems like celebrity-minded Classics professors are all moonlighting as fascist propagandists. But what else was I supposed to be doing if not that? It's a bit strange to think that we finally, FINALLY, could come to the conclusion that it always had to be "generalist", because that's the only way to study magic. It really was true; we had to learn it the hard way. Magic really is the Art of Arts, which touches in some way upon every other human subject including the ones that haven't been invented yet. But we've had a devil of a time chasing after its study, for reasons that are only slowly coming into sharp focus.
Studying magic requires total humility and self-knowledge, and that's why Kotomine Kirei always crapped out at a certain point—he hit some wall within himself that he refused to tackle. He's plainly got that neurosis you see in failed Christians so often, that endless preoccupation with the question: "well if it was WRONG then why didn't GOD stop me?" So Kirei remains "a dog of the church" as Matou Zouken gleefully points out, still doing their offices, still skulking at a churchhouse that never seems to have anyone in it except himself, almost like he needs the sanctuary still to feel safe. I'm glad at least I didn't make THAT mistake. When I burned out on Catholicism I just left.
I really like mapo tofu now, though.
~Chara of Pnictogen
