The idea was I'd roll up a new Dwarf Fort world and then mess it up pretty badly in anticipation of adventure mode in a few months. Instead I accidentally made a fort in which the dwarves are as bad of ass as they are dumb of ass.

I didn't document the save well enough to do a good fictionalized retelling or anything, but I can at least draw these clowns. So let me introduce you to a few of them.


the conqueror of volcanos [sic]

map of the region around ziriludos and its home kingdom, the oar of principles

In the west of the Destined Planes is a dwarven kingdom called the Oar of Principles, and the thing you need to know about the Oar of Principles is that it sucks. It's slowly being picked apart by goblins and elves, its population dwindling through a series of unfavorable worldgen war events. Not content with being killed offscreen in this way, seven dwarves set out for an unexplored land, a nearby volcanic island. While too remote to allow direct participation in the kingdom's conflicts, the island would serve as a training ground and a safe haven for the king, should he choose to flee the mainland.

They called their new stronghold Ziriludos, "Fireman", as a declaration and reminder of their goal: to face the challenges of the fire and so become it. And for their symbol they chose ...

Okay, so in this world there's a randomly-generated musical instrument called a slong. "Slong" is a word from the game's goblin language, but that isn't important. What's important is that it's funny, and also that the slong is a bagpipe kind of thing, meaning that when you're putting together the emblem of your site government, one of the objects available for you to use is the slong bag.

the mountainous balls, an image of a slong bag and a dwarf. the dwarf is raising the slong bag. the image is the symbol of the conqueror of volcanos, a local dwarven government

Strike the earth.

mörul athamkilrud, countess/mayor/necromancer

mörul athamkilrud, countess of ziriludos, and animal traps
Democracy isn't dead in Ziriludos, it's undead.

I normally wouldn't let a necromancer hang around the fort at all, much less end up a noble. Friendly necromancers may seem like a fun idea, but half the bodies they raise are hostile to all living things, and they increase the risk of total FPS death, raising and killing and re-raising zombified animal hair or whatever in an endless cycle until your PC simply gives up. In this case Mörul slipped in and became mayor before I noticed her, at which point it was too late to evict her. She did a decent enough job, though, by which I mean she experiences no emotion whatsoever when dissatisfied citizens complain at her, so I went ahead with her as the baroness candidate when the fort became a barony, and now here we are. She's still the only necromancer in the fort, and it's not really a problem as long as I keep her far away from any fighting. And if things take a dire turn, Mörul gives us options.

Her favorite thing is animal traps, which is a very manageable item to have to make when she demands them, but also totally useless (they do have a use, but I have no desire whatsoever to capture vermin to train as pets). So far she seems not to have noticed the dwarves piling all the cheap wooden masterwork animal traps made on her behalf into a nearby garbage dump.

Speaking of garbage dumps, she looks like that because her symbol of office is an artifact dress:

eserenôr is a bulky pig tail dress. all craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. it is decorated with elk bird leather and pecan wood and encircled with bands of pig tail and round native aluminum cabochons. it is made from pig tail cloth. this object menaces with spikes of obsidian. on the item is an image of mebzuth pointmetal the dwarf and dwarves in pecan wood. mebzuth pointmetal is surrounded by the dwarves. the artwork relates to the ascension of the dwarf mebzuth pointmetal to the position of queen of the oar of principles in 176. on the item is an image of a forgotten beast in pecan wood. on the item is an image of a cage in gold

mistêm såkzulemen, the other noble

mistêm såkzulemen, the baron of nothing who nobody cares about
Ziriludos is home to a secondary baron, and this guy I had nothing to do with. He might've inherited the title because he happens to be a nephew of the king. Which isn't rare given that the extended royal family is like a tenth of the total population of the kingdom.

Mistêm is mostly interesting as an illustration of how, following whatever update made dwarves able to have multiple romantic partners, the dwarves just fully embraced polyamory and started cranking out ungodly complicated families (and he has two partners himself, so it's not getting any simpler). It's like that post about hobbits with hereditary nobility stapled onto it. Strictly speaking, I don't know that this is a mechanical cause for ending up with an otherwise unimportant and unimpressive guy who won't shut the hell up until you fill his bedroom with solid gold furniture, but it does provide some story context for it.

When I looked up his description to draw him, Mistêm was hauling a wooden mug to a stockpile, so at least he isn't above that kind of work. And he's content to wear the same low-effort wool and leather clothes as everyone else as long as he has his nice rooms. Honestly he's alright as far as nobles go.

tun roldethzon and rakustonshen

the militia commander tun roldethzon and the dog rakustonshen. both are lounging

Tun is the militia commander and leader of the first hammerdwarf squad, the Mint Wheels, whose duty is watching the front gate and countering any werecreatures, titans, and other aboveground megabeast-class threats that wander onto the map. She's relatively well-armed--where most Ziriludos militiadwarves have to be content with copper armor, Tun wears steel brought by the dwarven caravan and gauntlets taken from a god-thing made of ice. In accordance with her station, she's assigned an artifact leather helmet, which would leave her somewhat vulnerable if not for the fact that she and her entire squad are legendary dodgers and armor/shield users and basically can't be touched by anything short of webbing or a full-body tackle from a much larger enemy.

sibnircagith is a conical giant olm leather helm. all craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. it is decorated with giant olm leather. this object is adorned with hanging rings of native gold and menaces with spikes of clear zircon

I'm not really sure how the military became so good so quickly. Training squads with a single weapon apparently matters more than I thought. It's true that I make them fight things as much as possible, but even so they haven't had that much combat experience given that the fort is too isolated for sieges or off-site missions. It's just, I don't know. Something about this place. It even affects the animals.

Rakustonshen the dog wasn't given his name as a pet--pet names follow the standard dwarf naming rules, and "Rakustonshen" does not. He earned his name.

Early on I set up the usual fortress intruder alarm, i.e., some dogs penned outside the front gate. I didn't war-train any of them because any halfway dangerous monster will one-shot a war dog anyway. The dogs aren't supposed to survive, they're supposed to see enemies before they reach the dwarves. Pretty grim, but, you know. It's easier to replace a dog.

These dogs spotted a wereporcupine, which immediately charged them, as tends to happen. Not content to go down with nothing to show for it, they fought, and while there were losses, it was a dog who struck the final blow and saved the fort from one of the most irritating dooms available.

combat log detailing the time when rakustonshen absolutely obliterated a wereporcupine, biting it in the jugular and tearing a tendon in its leg

Werecreatures aren't that big, but they're supposed to be strong for their size, I thought. Either way this isn't something I've seen before.

At first I figured I'd give Rakustonshen a reprieve from guard duty as a reward. But no Ziriludos resident, dwarf or otherwise, would be content with that. So I trained him as a war dog and assigned him to the militia commander, and now he's the lord of dogs. Incidentally "rakustonshen" means "tombchant," which is probably a better name than anything I could've come up with on purpose.

No need to worry about the other alarm dogs--they've been replaced with much more durable cave crocodiles.

bomrek mengusen

Bomrek is a member of the Senses of Creation, a militia squad that guards one of the two cavern entrances. She's a massive chad figuratively and literally; the game describes her as "unbelievably strong, basically unbreakable, indefatigable, extremely agile and rarely sick," as well as "very muscular, tall and obese." She has one spouse, she has two lovers, and she only cares about two things: her friends and her sixteen cats.

overview screen for bomrek, substantiating the previous paragraph

She has two forgotten beast kills to her name. The first was a dinosaur thing called Sifina.

the forgotten beast sifina has come! a great feathered sauropod. it has two short tails and it has a bloated body. beware its deadly spittle!

But she didn't slay it alone. Bomrek is never alone.

the cat scratches the forgotten beast in the left eyelid, denting it! the force twists the head! the cat scratches the forgotten beast in the throat, denting the scale! the force pulls the neck!

There's no knowing how much the cat actually contributed to the fight. Probably not very much. But re: the "twists the head"/"pulls the neck" hits, I want to reiterate that this was not one of those beasts made of mud or water, this was an animal made of 166 times as much muscle and bone as an average dwarf, vs. literally a housecat. Normally you'd expect it to simply slam the cat into the nearest wall and go about its gruesome business. Not this cat.

In theory I know why so many cats would attach themselves to the members of Bomrek's militia squad. I keep them in and around the barracks to kill cave spiders, which would otherwise bite the dwarves and afflict them with mild but annoying poison. Why they're all drawn to one specific dwarf I could not tell you ... there's definitely some breeding and inheritance of kittens going on, but that doesn't account for all of it. I guess it's just that in Bomrek they recognize something familiar, some fundamental catness the other dwarves lack.

What I'm saying is, Bomrek Mengusen is a catgirl.

bomrek watching her cat punch a forgotten beast in the skull


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in reply to @pontifus's post:

Initially read the description for Sibnircagith as "comical giant olm-leather helm" and wondered why you modded in oversized novelty headwear. Now I can't stop thinking about Dumed Dimmadome of the Dumedolil Dimmadome.