sorry for the formatting on this. it was going to be a tweet thread but ended up much too long
have I ever told the story of how I accidentally got stuff stolen out of everyone's locker in my high school? I don't think I've told that one but imhop it's VERY funny in hindsight
my school didn't give students the locks for their lockers, but they DID have it so that students had to buy their own, bring them in in the packaging, and get them approved. only a single type of lock was accepted, so this was probably to save money. basically everyone just had to get the same kind of master lock padlock thing and like, fine, whatever
so one day I'm trying to open my locker and I'm holding the lock with one hand and holding some books under my arm, meaning I was tugging on the lock while entering the combo. and I notice that it's just... not working right? I get to the number and it just sticks. wheel stops turning and I can't enter the number. I know it's AT the number because it's getting stuck right at 52. I put my books on the floor and try again
works perfectly
so this sets something off in my brain. I close the lock, spin the wheel, and then pull on it and try to unlock it
it sticks
naturally this sets something off in my brain. I end up being late for class because of this because now I'm testing this lock
56, it sticks. I stop pulling the lock and move just a bit further, then pull again. down to 32, it sticks. stop pulling, move further, pull down again. up to 43, it sticks. stop pulling, move further
lock opens
now of course I knew the combo to my own locker, so this wasn't that impressive. I decide to see if this is just my lock or if, maybe, I can open another using this technique
I move one locker over. I repeat the process
different combo, but the lock opens. my eyes light up like it's fucking christmas. I have peered through reality itself to see the inner workings of the universe. to make sure this isn't a fluke, I try again on another locker
and another
the trick works on every one of them because They're. All. The. Same. Lock.
I realize around now that I'm late for class and immediately bolt down the hall, but all I can think about for the rest of the day is how I've just discovered this really fun thing. I do not think about the implications of this, just how cool it is
some days later, I notice somebody struggling with the lock to their locker. they're getting increasingly frustrated. I should point out that I knew this person was the owner of the locker and not somebody trying to break into one
I go and say "forgot your combination?"
"yeah"
"I can help, watch this"
and so I take them through the entire process, showing them how to just tug on the lock and find the combination. they think this is very cool. I have found a cool thing. we now share in the cool thing
as an aside, this is the same girl I got distracted by and ended up walking into a door because of
more time passes, and I notice somebody else struggling with a lock. I go "hey, forgot your combination?"
"yeah"
"I can help, watch this"
I did not know whether or not this was their locker, I just assumed it was because I was generally trusting like that. I take them through the process, showing them how to open the lock without knowing the combination. rather than thinking this is cool, they just react with a sort of "...huh." like it's kinda fascinating, but not particularly interesting. whatever, loser. I know I'm cool
over the next couple days, people start to notice that things are going missing from their lockers. this is a big enough problem that they start announcing "don't forget to make sure you've properly secured your lockers" every day over the intercom. I think it's weird that that many people would leave their lockers unlocked, but I don't really think too much about it. I do not connect the dots at all. I think me teaching another person how to unlock a combination padlock is completely unrelated
they were not
locker thefts keep happening. enough locker thefts that I know something is wrong. I pass this guy like every few days in the halls and he just gives me the Canadian Nod, which in retrospect might have been a Knowing Nod instead. I probably don't realize what's going on until a few days later. I'm talking "bolting upright in bed in a cold sweat and going 'oh god what have I done'" kinda shit here. I realize that I am in deep shit if I don't do something and this gets traced back to me
after all, I am an ACCESSORY TO GRAND LARCENY (well, petty theft, BUT STILL)
now I realize that there are three options
- I can play dumb. this is impossible. I'm a terrible liar
- I can rat the guy out. this is impossible. I'm not a fucking snitch
- I can tell the principal of the school that I have SOLVED THE MYSTERY OF THE LOCKER THEFTS. this is the best option. I get to be a genius and not get accused of crimes. that last bit is important, but not for the reason you think
I don't keep anything valuable in my locker, the only thing I ever kept in there was my lunch, so I go to the principal's office after I eat (I am, after all, a genius) and tell the receptionist "I think I know what's happening with the locker thefts."
the way I am hurried into the office is such that I immediately think that THEY think I am admitting to the crime. I am now terrified. the vice principal goes "you know what's going on?" I am now even more terrified because while the principal handles administrative matters, the vice principal handles student affairs and disciplinary actions. I fall back into a very bad stammer I used to have out of stress but I manage to guide him through the whole unlocking process. he asks if the lock is mine, I say yes, he has the receptionist get another lock out of the lost and found and asks me to try it on that one. it unlocks easily, even with my shaky hands
he asks if I've shown anyone else this. if I say "yes," I could potentially implicate a cute girl AND the dude stealing shit. I am gay and also not a snitch, so I shake my head. he asks me if I'm the one doing this and I try my best to not cry out of fear and, instead, launch into a ramble about how I'm just scared because I know that vice principals handle suspending students and I just found this out one day and I'm not the one doing this I'm just scared please don't suspend me and I probably do end up crying
somehow, he believes me
however, he does commend me for figuring out this flaw in the security of the locks and says "you're a real locksmith, huh?" but all I can do is blurt out "I GUESS?" and probably accidentally got spittle all over his desk. aside from being a genius, I am also VERY smooth. I get to go back to class and go home without issue. fauna wins again. being a friday, I get no updates on this until monday
on monday, we get an EMERGENCY ASSEMBLY ANNOUNCEMENT and we're all told to report to the gym. when I get there, they're handing out new locks to every student. different ones from the ones we had to buy ourselves, and I immediately test mine once I'm at my locker to see if the same trick can be pulled off with it. it can't!
mostly.
these new locks couldn't be exploited by the same trick, but if you pulled and twisted, they absolutely could be unlocked by even the most unskilled of bitches. this time I'm smart. this time I keep it to myself. and the girl I have a crush on, but we're friends. it's chill. the guy who gave me the Canadian/Knowing Nod never nods at me again. everything's coming up thrillho!
OR SO I THOUGHT
a few months later, something... strange happens. I'm on my way to school and notice something odd about the sign outside. normally the sign would read "ORAL EXAMS THIS WEEK" because the french orals were coming up. but this time? this time the sign read "ANAL EXAMS THIS WEEK." everyone gets a sensible chuckle out of the funny jape. I walk into the school and immediately am escorted to the vice principal's office. weird, but maybe my parents called the school for some reason
in the most accusatory tone possible, I am asked "what do you know about the change to the sign outside?"
my skills as a locksmith had come back to haunt me
