Anonymous User asked: Autism?
yeah but im kinda quiet about it cuz i'm one of 'em "diagnosed early, put through the trauma wringer" type of ASD folks. can't bring myself to be too proud of a trait i was systematically fucked over for :/
... sorry if that was a downer
i feel like a lot of the autistic pride type stuff i see on my queer corners of the internet are driven by adult diagnosees and self-diagnosis folks who are happy to be able to understand and find community in something about themselves that they didnt understand for most of their lives. and that's great
but for me, someone who had even things about her completely unrelated to the autism attributed to the autism, and who basically spent her entire childhood not being taken seriously or even... really treated as a full fledged person in the first place because of her diagnosis, it can be... hard to interact with that sorta thing. instead, my struggles are about the masking that i basically can't stop doing because it was beaten deep into my psyche and i can't ever turn it off except in the most private, quiet moments, and the deep internalized shame and self-hatred my upbringing left with me
so... i'm just quiet about it. i've been forcibly defined by it, against my will, for so long, i just... don't parade it about, because i dont want it to define me anymore
to folks who find out later in life and/or on their own initiative, it's a relief, an answer, an explanation. Further understanding of the self and what they've experienced. I know those feelings well - they're how i feel about being trans, and embracing nonhuman identity. And it makes sense to want to wear that with pride
but to those of us who had that box ticked for us before we even truly understood, who had a childhood defined by the systematized abuse that is "special education" and "autism treatment" - it's something we associate only with hurt, denial of our agency and personhood, horrible 'therapy centers', being talked down to, being treated as if you didn't even have full self-awareness at all, in many cases.
... i guess, this is just something to keep in mind with how we talk about autism on the internet. a lot of folks are quite reluctant indeed to disclose their autism at all, or to identify as autistic loudly and proudly, because we've learned the hard way that if someone finds out about the diagnosis, they stop treating us like a person.
i often think about how different life would've been for me had my parents actually decided to go through and get me diagnosed as a child. they've always suspected i was somewhere on the spectrum, but elected not to do anything about it because i seemed to be doing fine in school and such.
i faced certain struggles growing up due to lack of adequate support for my neurodivergence and continue to learn how to tear down my own mask, but because i wasn't isolated from my peers or systematically treated like an 'other' at an early age, i think i managed to come out the other end with some idea of how to exist in a neurotypical world, and have passed myself for neurotypical 9 times out of 10.
as an adult who pursued diagnosis in order to be able to claim accomodations for college, it was then my choice to take the label, and control how it's used, and you're right - i'm proud of it because it was an answer to why i struggled in certain ways, why i always felt just ever-so-slightly different from my peers. self-determination is a powerful thing!
but, just as it can be a useful tool in the right hands, it can also be a terrible weapon in others'
all that to say, i see you, and i think about folks who had your experience rather than mine, and i can sympathize with your sentiments around claiming the label. if i'd had your experience instead, who's to say i wouldn't feel similarly?
