rainrain

six stoats in a trenchcoat

  • rain/rain

I finally did it
achieved all the things
got everything I've reasonably ever wanted

the road behind is full of great things
and I'm no longer alone

but the road ahead is empty
and that hole in my soul
well
it turns out it was unfillable

so I guess I will go gently into that good night
no longer kicking and screaming
because I kicked and screamed long enough
to know that, what I yearned for
what I truly longed for
to finally be happy
to finally not be alone
to just feel okay

well

it was never actually possible



I could do it
it would be an easy way out
all I'd have to do is let go

I go to see those I no longer see
to clutch onto relationships before they fade to time
it's hard
harder than it should be
but I do it
lest those relationships wither away

but for what
in the end, I'm still here
wrapped in a blanket of melancholy
driving alone in the rain at 3 am
feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness
because I'm just going home
to be alone
again

those that I care about
the ones I love
they can't give me what I yearn for
what I crave
that hole is unfillable
that closeness unreachable
so I go home
to be alone
again

all I'd have to do is let go of the wheel
and close my eyes
it would be over pretty quick
no more pain
no more being alone

but I'd be alone for the rest of my life
so I grab the wheel again
I can never entirely let go
no matter how many times I try
no matter how badly I want to be free
I'm too scared



A handful of sentences in a trenchcoat written at 3 am can be passed off as poetry if you lower your standards enough--

The ceaseless struggle to not let go,
is impossible as all must know.

The crushing weight, it never stops.
I wonder when my soul will rot.

I'm afraid the time already came,
and I fight to pretend I just forgot.