aaaaAAAAUGUHGHG
I'm sorry! I swear I thought I was done experimenting with fursonas. Like for the most part yes, compared to every other species I've tried over the years, I feel like my rat fursona is probably the most versatile species for what I know about the range of my own personality. Not to mention I've had a number of pet rats growing up, so I just have a very strong connection with them...
Buuuuut I am like ๐ค this close to feeling the same way about being a shark. And it's been bugging the hell out of me lately for some reason lol. Like, I know people can have more than 1 fursona. But considering how often I struggle with identity, it's a miracle I've settled on a species as strongly as I've settled for rat. And I don't know if I have the brainspace to fit two fursonas. kdgsjhgdksj yes I know fursonas don't have to be that deep, but the furry fandom is integral to me as a person so likewise the idea of having a fursona on which to project myself is always going to be very important for me. So, idk, my mentally ill ass is feeling very conflicted right now.
So why sharks. Okay, uhhhhhh... Well long story short it is definitely because I was really into Emma Essex's music as a teen, especially her shark alias Mayhem. Since finally learning how to really separate the art from the artist (not getting into that) and revisiting the Vulpvibe and Lapfox discographies, I've been like retroactively realizing the feelings I was juggling at that time in my life when I was still a confused and unaware closeted trans girl. More specifically, realizing just how strongly I identified with Mayhem as a confused and unaware closeted trans girl. She, and I suppose the entire female cast of Shark Attack (the one and only video game made through Essex and Squeedge's dev team, PSURG) kind of represented this unachievable femininity that both fascinated me in a way I didn't really understand and drove a wedge between the uncomfortable "maleness" I was assigned and could not change, and my conception of unabashed femininity.
It's hard to explain if you weren't there at the right time (Lapfox used to be huge in the furry fandom, practically synonymous with the term "furry music"). There had to be a lot of trans furries who were drawn to Lapfox at the time. Essex herself is trans, though I don't think she identified as such until after I lost interest. My point is there's an inseparable transness to the music and image of the label. And considering Mayhem was Essex's only popular female character at the time, most of that feeling of transfemininity seemed to be funneled into her. Which is all to say, I don't think I'm alone in this feeling. I've definitely seen at least one other trans girl who was drawn to Mayhem like I was.
And so, by extension, I associate "shark girls" with transfemininity. You get the idea. I very strongly enjoy the idea of representing myself as a shark girl. Very, very strongly. Despite not having a whole lot of connection to real life sharks, or marine life in general really (mammals are more my forte). There's this distinctive rush of serotonin whenever I think about it. A nonsensical giddiness.
Originally I was going to design a shark girl OC to sate this interest (an explicitly transgender one, of course). And maybe I'll still flesh that concept out a bit in the future, but I've been asking myself why I don't just go all in and make a shark fursona of my own since this interest is founded upon my own personal journey as a transgender woman.
And so this is why I started writing this obnoxiously long spiel, to get my thoughts out there so I can process this all a little better. It seems to be incredibly important to me. I think maybe I should at least try out having a shark fursona alongside my rat fursona. Nothing extravagant, still just a fictional representation of who I am in real life, and most definitely still purple. I don't know if it'll stick but right now my brain is telling me to just go along with this.
