Normally if I'm going to talk about my mother, I would be leading with content warnings. This time it's actually some pretty good advice. So ya'll are spared from my content warnings this time.
But the advice is actually on love.
Love is complicated for me because I am some flavor of aromantic [Not aro-matic, though I do like to think I smell good]. This advice though has saved me a lot of grief in the past, and after a long bit of look in the mirror in the aftermath of my abusive ex, it's helping me again.
The advice my mom gave me is thus:
Marry your best friend.
Needless to say my Mom is monogamist and Mormon, so I have some choice words about the bias she has. [Not great, let's just leave it at that for the moment] Yet, this is still easy enough to apply to my life.
My variation would be:
Fall in love with your friends.
This also shows my bias [which my mother would have choice words about so I think we're even she and I] which is polyamorous, queer, and unapologetic about it.
NOW WE GET TO THE CWS: Frank talking about abuse and life
It's been a rough season. I had to kick out my abusive ex, I lost a job, I found a job, I got published twice, and have to stare down the trauma that my abusive ex left me. It also means that I've been a bit moody. I've been having some trouble reading my partners intentions and selves in the worst light because of my abusive ex was best viewed in the worst light.
Needless to say this was causing stress with some of my partners. Well, all of my partners. It came to a head last night when one of them confronted me about how I was reading their actions and intentions. I sat there flabbergasted about it all realizing what was going wrong. It felt really bad.
So bad I woke up in the middle of a flashback [Though the nightmare DID NOT help one bit]. So I went and got coffee with a live in partner as we normally do on Sundays. And we talked. I talked about how I was hurt, how it was manifesting lately, and just... something clicked. Something that I don't know how it clicked but just what my mom said about my dad.
And it stuck with me, as we were waiting for probably the most disappointing burgers I've had in a long time. "Fall in love with your friends."
Because all my partners are my friends first. They are more than just my friends, but they are my friends still. I realized if I could just grab onto that truth and hold tight, I would be able to beat out the paranoia and the horrid view my abusive ex [And my mother] engendered in me for my survival.
And I know it's day one, but it really does re-frame that kind of mess.
Anyway, I hope you didn't mind following the brush with me.