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#Chara of Pnictogen


It may be conceded to the mathematicians that four is twice two. But two is not twice one; two is two thousand times one.

That's a line from G. K. Chesterton's The Man Who Was Thursday, and it's a great line. Then he follows it up with "That is why, in spite of a hundred disadvantages, the world will always return to monogamy," because that's my lovely friend Gilbert for you, always bringing it back round to Catholic orthodoxy somehow.

The context? The protagonist, Gabriel Syme, who has felt himself to be alone as an undercover detective amidst a den of anarchists, realizes that there's another like him, and he's overwhelmed with a feeling of camaraderie and strength. One person, alone, needs to be a tremendous fighter indeed to face an entire mob. Two persons, back to back, just might be able to cover the whole field. Chesterton is right: two is much, much stronger than one.

It's observations such as this one which prompt me to think that there's something genuine about numerology, which as a youthful science nerd I was taught to flee with horror, the same way astronomers are taught to despise astrology and chemists are taught that alchemy is obsolete mediaeval junk. Every major science, I suppose, has its twilight counterpart with evil connotations. I'm sympathetic to astrology these days but I'm also forced to admit that it's a tool of bıgotry. The shadow companion to biology is truly frightening—Lysenko, "race science", and eugenicism live with biology's sinister twin. Numerology conjures up other horrors, like people irrationally frightened of the number 13 or who gamble away entire fortunes because they have feelings about odd integers. It's tempting to think, as the science nerds think, that it's all nonsense.

Yet I've come to think there's value in numerology, though I'm still uncertain about how best to express it. Observations like Syme's remind us that there's a subtle difference in quality and mood to numbers and how they interrelate. Two is not merely one more than one. And three is not merely one more than two. x² + y² = z² has infinitely many solutions among the integers; x³ + y³ = z³ has none, and proving this was the work of centuries. Ordinary mortals can't even understand the proof—I certainly don't. The "two-body problem" is an undergraduate textbook example; the "three-body problem" has no general analytical solution, though many special cases are soluble. Once again we sense that going from 2 to 3 is a fearfully complicated business in reality. It's not simply counting.

There's an opposing extreme to numerological complication, I daresay, and it's to be seen in the bean-counters and the computer programmers who seem to regard numbers as dead objects, meaning nothing more than quantities to be shuffled about with calculators or computers and plugged into simple formulae. How many programmers realize that the sequence 1, 2, 3 is not actually simple? It's not merely incrementing an object. In reality, altering numbers (even by a simple increment of one) produces drastic changes sometimes. The computer code, however, makes it seem quite dull. It's merely...advanced bean-counting. It's not surprising that the programming world has virtually merged with the business and financial worlds, and commits all the same sins.

I—well, the Pnictogen Wing—have daydreamed about attempting to formalize astrology and even alchemy in some way, establishing a more solid bridge between these disreputable domains and the world of empirical science. Perhaps structure can be applied to numerology as well.

~Chara of Pnictogen



Coming to terms with my childhood has meant, also, coming to terms with a fearfully complicated mess of traumatic experiences that share a common attribute: they're all pertaining to creativity in some way.

In childhood I couldn't understand it. My parents, especially my mother, vaunted the arts and permitted my sibling and me to read widely and learn to appreciate the gifts of Western culture—but holy heck did she not want her kids to daydream about becoming artists or musicians or anything weird and bohemian like that. When Frisk changed their major to history in college, our mom was peeved about it, sputtering about the waste of an education. She wanted us to be "successful" in a vaguely defined way that excluded the arts.

It occurs to me that she might have had personal experiences to draw upon, maybe even tragic ones. She was a leftist in Chile under Allende, and the reactionaries maybe scythed down some of her artistic friends, people we never heard about because our mom simply didn't talk about those days.

~Chara of Pnictogen



It's Father's Day, we've been busy, but I feel as though I've hardly had any time to think about fathers. I've had a very difficult relationship with multiple fathers...we all have.

I don't know exactly what looms between Asgore and me. The whole issue of just what went down between myself, Asgore, Toriel, everyone...it's been too painful, too murky. And I suspect that resolution of the conflict is contigent upon a whole mess of other conflicts.

Monophylos Fortikos is doing what they can to fill the role, for now. I suppose Mono is a solider father figure than, well, Emiya Kiritsugu for example.

~Chara of Pnictogen



Processing child abuse has inflicted a number of very irritating behavioral patterns on us, patterns we're acutely aware of yet have been too weak or fuddled to avoid. Among the most annoying and heartbreaking is...how do I put this? we now have painful memories about stationery.

I went through a period of youthful explosion of interest in self-organization that achieved NOTHING, but at least I got a lot of pencil cups and little plastic clips I never used for anything. I'd have big plans for the system I was going to impose on myself, only to be undone by my erratic behavior.

~Chara of Pnictogen