I still haven't found that right mix for self presentation. I don't feel like I'm an asshole and yet I know that I probably come off as one to some people, maybe even most people for all I know. There's the obvious thought that of course you shouldn't care about the opinions of people you don't respect, or those who don't respect you, but what if the presentation of my self is impacting the opinion of people I do respect or want to respect me? Which aspects of my self do I want to keep and which do I want to change, for myself and for others? I'm already not a very social person, and in public I tend to be pretty cognizant of how I interact with people, but that's just a mask. The longer people know me and the more they interact with me, the more likely they'll have events where they see sides of me that I don't like about myself, and even if I change or get rid of those aspects, those events are in their memory as well as my own, and it feels like I will have to keep returning to those memories or aspects I'd rather be rid of just to apologize for my interactions, or explain that I'm different now and that isn't who I am or what I want to be at my core. I want to be considerate of others, but it just becomes overwhelming to be aware of their own struggles they share when I don't have a handle on my own. I've been fostered with old or outdated beliefs and preconceptions in my upbringing such that my initial unconscious reaction to new or unexpected events causes me guilt or shame. I just wish I could update my subconscious self with my current conscious beliefs so that I don't embarass myself, or treat others poorly with my gut reactions.

Like that time when I was entering a public bathroom on the men's side and saw someone whom I perceived as female coming out, and without thinking I just blurted out "Uh, this is the men's bathroom."
Even at that time, I considered myself supportive of transgender people, and yet, that was still my gut reaction to seeing someone not conforming to an outdated social construct I didn't even respect. For whatever reason, upon seeing someone I knew nothing about in an unexpected place, I felt that I had to say that, and I immediately felt bad about it and still feel bad about it to this day. I don't know who they were or what they looked like or anything beyond what I said, and it feels bad that I'll likely never get to apologize to them personally.
But on the rare off-chance that they're here on cohost, I do apologize, for that time and any of the other times I've been shit towards other people in a similar fashion. I don't want to be that kind of person, and I wish I could not be, but it's deeply rooted inside me in a way that I just don't know how to erase, but I would if I could, and I will keep trying to until I succeed, but I know I can't ensure it won't happen again, despite what I believe.
The self is not so easily altered, despite how much I'd like to do so.