
It's stunning how they make a movie with so much swashbuckling so boring. Chase scenes are boring, fight scenes are boring, it's all boring. Everyone moves like they're in molasses, and if it wasn't slow enough, they lean on quite a bit of slow motion. No wonder this movie is two hours long.
And despite being pitched as a "family movie", it's shockingly horny. I don't think we go more than ten minutes without someone propositioning for sex or referencing genitalia.
They try to make up for the sluggish pacing by making everything explode, constantly, but it's one of those movies where you start to question why. Morgan (Geena Davis) cuts a chandelier loose in one scene and not only does the entire tavern explode for some reason (the booze?) but most of the town goes up with it.
In one of the first big action scenes right before that, Morgan and her new friend Shaw escape a town only for the British navy to open fire on it hoping to catch her in the cannon shrapnel. They probably killed dozens, if not hundreds of people, decimated livestock and produce, and straight up obliterated whole entire homes because maybe a single person might die.
It makes for some very impressive booms, but the movie's tone doesn't play well with what's going on. The slowness of everything else suggests something a little more real and grounded than the cartoon buffoonery we're meant to swallow otherwise. It starts to feel stupid.
Performances are all over the place, too. I like Geena Davis but she's not doing her best in her role as Captain Morgan. Matthew Modine as William Shaw feels more like he's channeling a bad Cary Elwes than anything else. Stan Shaw seems drunk more often than not for how groggy he looks in most scenes. And we know Frank Langella is evil because he growls and shouts a lot.
Also, like, I know they're pirates, but there doesn't seem to be much of an impetus to actually find Cutthroat Island? Like, we're told it contains this crazy huge amount of treasure, but nobody ever states a reason to find the treasure outside of an assumed gesture that... this is just what pirates do, I guess? Nobody needs the money, nobody's even really seeking glory, there's no hopes or wishes or desires attached to it at all. The most we get is that the bad guy wants the treasure, and we're the good guys, so we have to stop him. Because... um... well... uh... there wouldn't be a movie otherwise?
Cutthroat Island trusts that you intrinsically think pirates as a concept are the coolest things on earth and does not account for anyone stopping to question why any of this is happening. I was pretty bored, but at least that last explosion was cool.
