chest hurts. i don't care anymore about 'seeming cool / professional / whatever' it has done me no good and will do me more good to just be myself (insane, beautiful, horrifyingly tremendously 'skilled' in such a way you can only become if (haha) you do it "like you have a gun to your head" and it's not, none of it, is a good thing, but i don't want to pretend it is anymore or to try and be understood, i just want to speak, and if i am understood, that is not up to me.
it takes two to understand, my japanese friend said.