Spent the last few nights dreaming of being abandoned, like I have exhausted my friendships, or consumed them like they are a thing I can use up like The Woman who stores joy in the chocolate that she feeds as treats to those in her life. A silly fiction shitty brains assure me is Absolutely True In All Ways™.

It is silly, because just last week, I had several conversations about platonic love and the joys of telling your friends that you love them. Perhaps I am in a downswing (lingering anhedonia would confirm this), but I would like to go back to that joy.

Just immediately falling into bitter tears is not the mood I want today.

Spent the last few nights dreaming of being abandoned, like I have exhausted my friendships, or consumed them like they are a thing I can use up like The Woman who stores joy in the chocolate that she feeds as treats to those in her life. A silly fiction shitty brains assure me is Absolutely True In All Ways™.

It is silly, because just last week, I had several conversations about platonic love and the joys of telling your friends that you love them. Perhaps I am in a downswing (lingering anhedonia would confirm this), but I would like to go back to that joy.

Since posting a bit of ally seems to have gone over well, here are some early musings on plurality from before I wound up leaning into that identity. Clearly things have evolved :P

ally is a whole-ass book, by the way, both paperback and ebook (as a PDF, given the typesetting), so if you dig this kind of stuff, you can grab it here.

Yesterday was all but completely eaten by dyskinesia. Incredibly frustrating to lose control of one's body so much so that you cannot even hold still enough to read. Gives me Big Feelings about writing non-"pretty" disabilities. This is not an invitation for sympathy or anything, just an observation, but, like...I have given characters that I write or roleplay movement tics, but never anything close to what a full-on spike of dyskinesia is like for fear of it being too far-fetched, too attention-seeking, too much like trauma-dumping. It is as though, after a certain point, when writing any sort of disability, it will be seen as sick-lit (derogatory) or whatever, and for all but a certain class of disabilities, that point is "at all".

From ally:

CW: mention of suicide