i just want to feel comfortable on my computer, i want it to fit me closer than a glove. i want everything to be where i know it is so i can find it and access it, and i want for the background things to stay in the background unless i need to know about them. i want my art one place, my downloads in another, my music in another, etc. when that stuff is just a little bit off, i feel the weight of the computer slowing me down. this would be so much faster if it just made sense from the jump. why do i have to put up with cumbersome limitations because the computer corporation didnt want to innovate their software enough, lest they not sell more computer. maybe this is a really dumb way to look at it, but like, im sitting here, thinking of all the mental and physical gymnastics i have to work through just do something as seemingly simple as organizing and playing the music i want to listen to, and it just feels like... i dont have the energy for this?? im like, this close to going back to "ipod shuffle brain" where i just memorize where all my albums are in an alphabetical list. it's stuff like this that makes me want to wipe my drive and start fresh, as though maybe this time, THIS TIME, I'll get it right, i'll set it up to fit comfortably. the unfortunate fact is i dont think there's a way to make that happen, and im just kind of winded by that realization. as much of a help and a blessing computers have been in my life, i cant help but feel the weight of their burden on me. something is almost always "just a little wrong" or "not quite comfortable" or "fine if you're neurotypical". i dont know what to do about this feeling, i dont even know if it's something that anyone else feels, i guess at this point im just kinda rambling because im upset in this moment. i want to love computers, but i dont think computers want to love me

the worst thing about drawing is being done with a piece and having to stop, cuz then it's like, out of my head and that's... it. that's the end of it. Its not active in my brain anymore and i have to make something new.
and thats the best thing about drawing

the second best thing is the fever of the task. craving the process of plotting out the sketches, cleaning up the image with the lineart, filling it with the flats, planning the whole while how the shading will work, and every surprise along the way. How mistakes and anomalies give a piece extra feeling, a stray stroke makes all the difference. These things nurture my soul in ways i dont think i can really express without repeating myself over and over again. It's transcendent. Art Needs to Come Out Of Me, and what a painful, joyful ordeal it is. I adore it so much. I live to love to draw.
if im not drawing, im thinking about drawing. I'm always studying the world, looking at shapes and shadows and trying to figure out why they work the way they do. Certainly im no expert, but I'm glad im not. I have so much yet to learn, a life time of skill to build up. I think that's the best thing about art. It's never static. There's always forward momentum, a sine wave of progress. Everything in my life culminates in the silly horny doodles I make.
And I think that's just, Really Cool.