We're baaaaabysitting :D

His name is Juniper and he is currently Very Upset about things and is informing us loudly of this fact

It needs a semi-competent battery life, a screen that isn't somehow 90% blue like all cheap IPS displays seem to be, and a more convoluted lock/close function than most android tablets seem to have. It does not need bluetooth or even really wifi - if you can just sideload the apps via SD card (or they come pre-loaded!), that's probably fine.

please my children, they need screen time. they are driving me insane while i try to work from home.