Really don't mind if you sit this one out
My words but a whisper your deafness a shout
I may make you feel but I can't make you think
Your sperm's in the gutter, your love's in the sink
So you ride yourselves over the fields and
You make all your animal deals and
Your wise men don't know how it feels
To be thick as a brick

And the sand-castle virtues are all swept away in
The tidal destruction, the moral melee
The elastic retreat rings the close of play
As the last wave uncovers the newfangled way
But your new shoes are worn at the heels and
Your suntan does rapidly peel and
Your wise men don't know how it feels
To be thick as a brick

And the love that I feel, is so far away
I'm a bad dream that I just had today and you
Shake your head and
Say it's a shame

Spin me back down the years
And the days of my youth
Draw the lace and black curtains
And shut out the whole truth
Spin me down the long ages, let them sing the song

-- "Really Don't Mind" / Thick as a Brick - Jethro Tull

The story goes that the album was a kind of joke. Fans and critics kept interpreting Aqualung as a concept album, so Ian Anderson said "fine, I'll give you a concept album", and proceeded to mash together Pink Floyd, The Who, Emerson Lake & Palmer, and a lot of Monty Python energy into the story of an 8-yo "genius" whose epic ballad scandalizes a whole town.

I've always loved the song but I'd only ever heard it out of context, and I never quite followed all the lyrics. But I got randomly reminded of it recently and actually dug into the "backstory" and just...

As a former gifted kid, this song feels like a punch in the gut. I burst into tears this morning because I finally connected all those threads together with what the song is actually fucking saying and ... it's just this "gifted" kid railing at all the ghoulish adults in his life who just see him as a chance to make a buck while also pushing him early into the meat grinder of capitalism and ... suddenly it doesn't feel like a joke anymore.

It feels like in approaching the concept with the right level of contempt, he captured the mood better than any of them. Because it deserves contempt, that's the emotion you need to convey how it feels.

I instantly felt like my life flashed before my eyes. The frustration, the failure, the pressure, the disappointment, the loss of childhood to this looming imposition of expectation from people who claim to be your caretakers but really see you as their own ticket to the gravy train.

I remember my mother pushing me to "go into computers" so I'll get "rich like Bill Gates" and be able to take care of her ... and also think about where I am now, struggling with depression, anxiety, and the pressure of a boss who keeps telling me about my "potential" and withholding basic information because "you're a senior, you should be able to figure this out, how else will you learn?"

I'm tired. Of this life. Of these expectations. I never wanted any of them. "Succeeding" in tech turned out to feel worse than failing as a cook ever did.

They really don't know how it feels ... I'm not even that smart.