#im not even saying being incentivized to work is a bad thing. its one of the only motivators ive found to get me to do shit on cohost

#my phone didnt register i let go of backspace and deleted all my fucking tags i do not need this right now

#as i had been saying. before my fucking phone.

#ill keep going if only out of obligation. but it does not feel good

#i keep either accidentally sabotaging all my plans or getting fucked over by every other factor in the world

#im mostly just piddling along in life like a sad sad car

#and like i Had Plans to look forward to. but those all hinged on having money

#either that or knowing how to drive

#but my ssi got declined and the only person in the house willing to teach me STILL wont do it until tiel has her license

#when he ISNT TRYING TO MAKE ANY PLANS TO HELP HER GET ONE

#so im relying on mom to help me find a job i might be able to hold down but she hates going anywhere so im gonna have to pester her about it all week

#i am just so sad all the time these days. about everything

#i dont get to go out and do things and then when i wanna do things i keep fucking up my sleep schedule and ruining it

#and then when mom suggests a thing to do its always tied to some other requirement

#im not even saying being incentivized to work is a bad thing. its one of the only motivators ive found to get me to do shit

#the issue arises when agreements like that are basically the only time i get to do anything substantial

#plus it all usually depends on me doing it and nobody else so it puts more unneeded stress on me because if i fall short it gets ruined for everyone

#im just so tired of living like this. i want to be able to do the things i want to do

#and im so sick of having to work on moms schedule of 'we arent staying out for more than maybe a few hours and then i wont wanna do anything the next day'

#not her fault shes mentally ill. not my fault my mental illness clashes with hers. said it a million times before

#but it makes everything monumentally more difficult