I am currently running on too much coffee and not enough sleep so I'm asking myself introspective questions:

Do I have a sense of self?

Do I know what I really want?

Why am I afraid to do things outside the norm?

If I do not do now when will I?

Why am I all too willing to see myself as a failure?

Am I really beyond saving or am I just too negative?

Are there anymore chances for me or have they all passed me by?

Will I ever feel like I fit in anywhere?

Maybe this will all make sense after I get some rest. On the other hand I might think this is dumb and delete this later. Dunno.

A pair of unlikely encounters, one on the street and one later in the candy isle of the corner store, gave me a lot to think about as I reflected on the place I have in the lives of other people. Ultimately, it was kind of nice to see myself this way.

<I apologize for how privileged this experience is.

So, recently we found out that we have bad sleep apnea, and are getting a CPAP to deal with it. Apparently we've had sleep apnea for decades, which explains why we're always so exhausted and our health is very bad.

We are in a position that's stable, with savings, to afford it, but, we'll have like $210 less each month in our income because of it- and that means that we now have a really strict budget for affording things, and can't really save any more money this year.

This opens us up to a unique perspective; it's been decades since we felt like we really couldn't afford a necessity. We needed new shoes. A nice, feminine pair, that would work on the floors that we work on, which are concrete, and we stand all day.

We were really distraught that we felt like we couldn't afford something we needed for our wellness; would have to make due with what we had that was falling apart.

But our nesting partner, Allie, was there for us to help us afford it. It's not something that we expected her to do, or asked her to do, but that she offered to do, and

It was just this really vulnerable moment for me, where my partner was really there for me when it mattered and I've never been in a position to feel that. I've tried to design my life to avoid having to do that, I think, because there's just this expectation from my childhood and from a lot of partners who haven't been there for me that I can't trust that will be there for me.

And it was meaningful and it made me look at what is really deep insecurity in myself that I can't let myself be vulnerable and trust the good people in my life to be there for me and help me when I need it.

But, like, having been in that situation, I have more context to have a trust like that. I need to be vulnerable sometimes to get to feel trust and care. I need to stop building my life around safety.

I think my meds have made me too keyed up and alert to be horny, which is weird and interesting but does kind of confirm past speculation about the role of stress and anxiety in inhibiting sexual arousal for me (others may have entirely opposite responses) but I'm also still adjusting.

Nevertheless, it seems like that my current dose is a little too much and half or 3/4 of this would be preferable.