<I apologize for how privileged this experience is.

So, recently we found out that we have bad sleep apnea, and are getting a CPAP to deal with it. Apparently we've had sleep apnea for decades, which explains why we're always so exhausted and our health is very bad.

We are in a position that's stable, with savings, to afford it, but, we'll have like $210 less each month in our income because of it- and that means that we now have a really strict budget for affording things, and can't really save any more money this year.

This opens us up to a unique perspective; it's been decades since we felt like we really couldn't afford a necessity. We needed new shoes. A nice, feminine pair, that would work on the floors that we work on, which are concrete, and we stand all day.

We were really distraught that we felt like we couldn't afford something we needed for our wellness; would have to make due with what we had that was falling apart.

But our nesting partner, Allie, was there for us to help us afford it. It's not something that we expected her to do, or asked her to do, but that she offered to do, and

It was just this really vulnerable moment for me, where my partner was really there for me when it mattered and I've never been in a position to feel that. I've tried to design my life to avoid having to do that, I think, because there's just this expectation from my childhood and from a lot of partners who haven't been there for me that I can't trust that will be there for me.

And it was meaningful and it made me look at what is really deep insecurity in myself that I can't let myself be vulnerable and trust the good people in my life to be there for me and help me when I need it.

But, like, having been in that situation, I have more context to have a trust like that. I need to be vulnerable sometimes to get to feel trust and care. I need to stop building my life around safety.

I think my meds have made me too keyed up and alert to be horny, which is weird and interesting but does kind of confirm past speculation about the role of stress and anxiety in inhibiting sexual arousal for me (others may have entirely opposite responses) but I'm also still adjusting.

Nevertheless, it seems like that my current dose is a little too much and half or 3/4 of this would be preferable.

Introspecting some twitch habits of mine today.

The trend of basically naked just chatting streams is not for me. I have porn sites for horny times.
But like, gaming streams from an attractive streamer? I'll take those.

Funny that.

So, I was going to do this yesterday, January 1st, however I seem to have passed out entirely over the duration of that day. Whoops! Though I suppose it's fitting...

Anyhow: I figured I'd try to make this a tradition of sorts. Look back at what I've achieved (or at least, remember achieving), and the steps I've taken to improving myself. As a... well, someone who is currently a bit of a shut-in, things have felt stagnant for a very long time. But that's far from the truth! A lot - I mean, a lot - has happened over the course of the last few months. And while some of it has been quite disruptive, a lot of it has been necessary on my self-restoring journey.

So, let's... try our best to summarize what my addled mind can recollect: