I'm cutting my latest video and I kind of hate how I decided to talk, and I realized maybe I could talk much more "casually" and much more "me," but it took a whole day to shoot so I'm just trying to just accept my choices on the day. Related to that, sometimes I get really insecure about how much I think about what other people will think about something I write, how my words will be received and what the worst case is for a poor read of what I'm saying or a criticism of how I'm presenting information. I've been heinously misread in the most casual conversations, I've seen constant hostility and poor faith engagements on every platform that exists online, it causes me constant anxiety at worst and moments of "why???" at best.

Sometimes I think about how my work has changed over time, and the things I've learned along the way. As most of you know by now, I'm a game programmer -- a developer. I'm also a Japanese-to-English translator, although I haven't been doing nearly as much of that work in the last few years. It does continue to strongly play into my skill set, though. It's been over 15 years of working in these fields.

For legal purposes, please assume that much of what I will discuss from here is embellished or altered, and please understand that it has been kept vague on purpose, and know that not all companies or projects I have worked for are publicly known, or even listed anywhere.

When I started out, it was mostly in the capacity of translator. I was a programmer already, but I didn't really see myself as one. Most of my development work of any kind had been in a purely curiosity capacity. Stuff like making maps in Furcadia when it was new, messing with scripts and items in Graal, making countless RPG Maker games, romhacking then virtually never releasing the romhacks (with single digit exceptions)... I mostly only started to do what I saw as even somewhat serious programming when I was running a private Ragnarok Online server.

But fan translation work got me noticed and into the actual game industry. When I finally got professional work, I thought it'd be kinda basic, too. I'd just be providing a translation and I wouldn't be doing much of the other end. But just like that, I had to learn to use proper dev tools and do real programming, the expected way. A trial by fire of dropping the bleeding edge of using stuff like cygwin and gcc and learning to use an actual IDE. Instead of using Notepad or a hex editor for absolutely all of my coding. Which is what I had been doing. At all times. Yipes.

With my first several employers things were a mix of translation and programming. I almost never got any jobs where I was doing just the translation. I occasionally was put on projects where there were multiple translators, however, and that tended to end with me correcting all of the other translator's work. The worst was a time when the other translator on a project, who by all means should have known better, gave a translation that was not only very literal, but had Japanese pronouns repeatedly left untranslated and capitalized as if they were proper names, seemingly just because they'd been in katakana in the original script. I was not allowed to correct it or otherwise alter that translator's work, I could only touch my own.

This was, perhaps, a wake-up call to me about how working professionally in localization could sometimes be. As the years went by, I would encounter various figures who imposed restrictions or demands on my translations that didn't make sense, by people who weren't translators, and in many cases, didn't know any Japanese. Part of what even prompted this whole post was seeing a post elsewhere from a dear friend about their own recent negative experiences in translation.

Sometimes it was things like having an item's name and description that were translated directly in a way that described its effect and how to use it, but then being forced to change that to something more vague that only generally alluded to it -- in a title where there was no other place to find the information on how to access the feature the item unlocked!

Sometimes it was things like having someone else edit the script after I was done with it, adding numerous typos, grammar mistakes, and in one case, a reference to me in a project's script by name(!?!?), which left me intensely embarrassed and feeling very much like players would think I put that there myself. I absolutely wouldn't ever dream of that!

What this also taught me is that you never know for sure where the work on your favorite game came from exactly. The person who is credited for the translation, the person who is credited for the editing... it might not even be any of them. Mandates can come down from on high (or elsewhere) and make absolutely sure that these people do something specific that wasn't in their plans. I sometimes wonder if I've ever been blamed by someone for censoring something in a project... even though I've always been vocally anti-censorship, even on topics where I strongly disagree with the subject matter presented. I believe you should let creators tell you who they are.

Over time though, things changed. I gained more respect as a translator and an editor, and my decisions also began to be respected... usually. Later companies I worked with would look at my history and be less inclined to ignore my opinions, because obviously I had a lot of experience. They would also show more interest in my work and I'd get frequent positive feedback. It got a lot better than it was earlier into my career. Buuuut, that brings me to the next shift in things.

Over time, since my work was more respected, I got to work with bigger companies on bigger projects, so I usually didn't have to do both programming and translation anymore. It was kind of bittersweet for me. It's hard to explain, but when you have control of both of those aspects, you get to control the presentation on a stronger level than you would otherwise. You can fit the translation to how it's going to appear. You can cater the way things are drawn to fit what words you've put in there.

But it is a lot of work for one person. It's rare for someone to handle multiple major duties like that except at small companies.

So I did projects where I was just the translator, but could only give suggestions about the actual programming, editing, and graphics... and I found that I felt a little empty when certain suggestions of mine (which I still think were better than the final results) were passed over.

Nowadays, most projects have me acting solely as a programmer, and while my Japanese knowledge is still heavily in use in parsing the code, and its documentation (when rarely there is any of use)... I don't get to translate anymore outside of little spot translations where nothing significant is needed.

It's weird to be sad about this, right? I started out as a translator first and foremost, but surely it's weird to be sad about not really doing translation anymore and largely just being a developer now? They're both creative jobs, highly creative jobs even. And programming pays way more than translation, generally speaking. The company I work for now treats me amazingly well and I have never had any issues with them. I should be happy, right? Especially when so often in translation I had people who frustrated me anyway.

But I've gotten so restless about translation that I've even done various fan translations in my spare time, and mostly not released them. I released a couple of them under alias, refusing to do serious programming work to make them shine better... because I just wanted to do translation. Sometimes that's the mood I'm in. Despite even all the problems I encountered along the way, and the people who thought they knew better. Despite the people who made the work less fun for me at times.

Ironically, whenever friends asked me to spot translate something for them, even close and important friends, I usually half-assed it, didn't put in any actual effort, nor even double-checked it. Sometimes I even shoved machine translator links in their face which isn't very fair. But I guess that's different from working on games, huh. I regret not trying harder for them, though.

For better or worse, I'm probably one of the best programmers in the western game industry who can handle Japanese code, second mostly just to people like Durante and his company. But I didn't start out wanting to program, and it's never exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a musician originally, and I let various things discourage me from pursuing it. Now I sometimes have to fight feelings of "you started too late" when I do music, even though it's never actually too late.

But I do miss it. I really miss translating video games, and it's a shame, because the work I do now is still incredibly important, and not many people could replace me, for better or worse. I've had friends offer to get me into things like manga translation, but it just isn't the same. Hopefully one day a new opportunity to translate a game that will really mean something to me, comes along again. Like back in the old days.

For now, I'll continue doing the stuff I do now, and keep up with translation as a hobby, as I do with music. Maybe one day I'll land a dream job, but until then I've gotta do what I'm good at it -- someone has to do it. These games I still work on, they really need me. And I do care about them. I refuse to ever do dirty to a game that deserves good things.

The work you do will always change. Hopefully it will keep being worth it to you. Hopefully you can keep enjoying it. People almost never keep the same roles throughout their lives. Keeping the same passion you used to have can be tough, too. I know that for a fact.

Just do your best, and try to do something that means something to you.

I wish I knew how to love more gently

(SOURCE: https://bit.ly/4b8Eema)
(Previous article in the "Trauma" Series can be found here)

CONTENT WARNING: Drop of a song that intimates loss of a loved one, through suicide, towards the end, along with its lyrics, and use of the word "suicide."

Yeah, don't @ me, but we're kickin' things off, with a song, AGAIN. Yeah, yeah, I know. "What year is it, Sonic? 2004? And what platform is this? LiveJournal?" You know what? I don't care. I'm fucking depressed, and Ima tell all y'all why that is:

If you don't like country, too bad, 'cos Ima be posting the lyrics, starting with the chorus, and going verse-by-verse, throughout the blog post, à la those infamous fan fictions, that integrate song lyrics.

I think it works better for a piece of writing, like this, anyway, so there! xP

🎵 Now I wait by the phone in the dark drunk on hope
I'm so lost, I'm so low, and I just want you to know
Everywhere that I go, I'm reminded of us
Where we've been, all we've done, and all the love that we shared
Once, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, once🎵

Change of tone?

Change of tone.

**

When you consider whom this dream featured, you'd realise the SHEER IRONY of using a country song, to express the hurt, and loss that I'm feeling, in spite of all the horrible things she--and everyone in her system--did to me. You see, she hated--and I assume, still hates--country.

However, it may also be the most apt choice, on the planet, given both how gone she is, and how far removed she is, from the girl I once knew, due to trauma.

The girl I once knew, is, for all intents and purposes, dead, despite her body still being very alive, and full of members, including one masquerading as the girl I once knew.

Yes, this is another blog post about the person who left me, in Christmas Month 2023, but with a sick twist.

Lemme get going, already, before I lose the plot, and the audience.

Anyway, like many dreams, I can't possibly recall everything, but huge parts of it, I remember vividly. Like many people, I have repeating dreams, from time to time, but rather than the dream itself repeating, I have repeating themes. The most common themes my dreams have, are: Travelling to A City Up North, Travelling to a Country North of Mine, Being in a Metropolis South of Me, My Local Mall, The Largest Mall in My Region, Working at the Thrift Stores I Worked at, and Apartment Dreams. These dreams often mix in loved ones, or exes, or long-lost people.

🎵 You must have been in a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd 🎵

Anyway, this was a Mall Dream, but the strangest one, I've ever had. Like most dreams, I have no real memory of the hows or whys, but this person decided to let everything go, and come back into my life, only she came back, as the person I once knew, and loved.

The person I knew in 2012.

🎵 Should have been much further then this by now
A little bit more gone a little less twisted around
Should have been much better, you'd think but I'm not
I'm still stuck, I'm still here in this rut 🎵

So, she decided to come up, and visit me. We're having a great time, and then we decided to have a date, at my local mall. And that's where it gets weird, and where I remember almost all of the deets: the mall was the most pimped-up, that it's been, in any Mall Dream that I've ever had, as it combines the two types of mall, into one: the largest mall in my region, is now mixed with my local mall.

Trippy.

🎵 Oh why? That's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song 🎵

So, we go around, and towards the end, we're coming to a part of the mall, that's all closed off. And wouldn't you know it? It's blocked off, under construction!

🎵 Looking back on everything that we had
Holding on to words that we can't take back
What am I to do with the past
When it's all that I have, and I can't get you back 🎵

However, the security guard lets us into the area, so I can visit my favourite stores, which consist of an electronics store, and of a nerdy-product store, which I can't recall the names of. All I know, is that the electronics store went by the wrong name, but had the same products. We had to wander through corridor, after corridor to get around, but we saw everything I wanted to see.

🎵 Now in my mind, I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun 🎵

After all of this, it was past dark, and we had to leave. So, I hopped on my Lyft app, to hail a "cab." As I did this, I got the side-eye from her, and I looked at her, and said, "don't worry! I always tip a gargantuan amount!" And then, suddenly, a huge mall kiosk pulled up, and started selling us a Lyft ride, filled with all kinds of bourgeois perks, like food, drink, and other things of comfort to have, both before our ride got here, and while we were on our ride.

🎵 I remember you sayin' I was the one
And nothing could change that, but you were wrong
It's funny how life turns on a dime
Now we don't even talk, I just stare at these walls 🎵

And then, after booking every option, and securing our ride, we had to beat feet, as it would be there, in ten minutes. So, we began running, and kept going the wrong way. And then, the security guard came back, yelling, "c'mon! You have to go this way!" And he began leading the way, through a store that was boarded up.

The old Sears store, in my local mall.

🎵 Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that bad of a place 🎵

We ran through the boarded up Sears store, and, it was laid out more like an IKEA, with various collections of merchandise, just sitting there, gathering dust, in the darkness. And there were so many twists, and turns, as we made our way to the exit.

🎵 Once, you made the world feel so right
Once, you were my morning, noon, and night
Why'd we slip away?
Why did it all change? How will I ever be the same? 🎵

We finally made it outside, but we were at the exit that came before the bus stops, and I'm thinking, oh, shit! However, we hear a guy holler my name, and, it's a fucking limo!! We get in, he greets us, hands us our eat and drink, and we get goin'. However, as we get closer to my house, the driver's demeanour changes drastically. He stops the car, gets in back, and tells us that the cost I was expecting to pay (why I remember this, I'll never know, but it was US $42.68), is wrong, and that, on top of that, we owe an additional US $1000, as an upcharge, for the bourgeois luxury!

So what do we do? We jump.

🎵 Oh why?
There's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life
Wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to walk away
In the middle of a song 🎵

So, we begin walking away, towards home, and somehow, we ended up back at the mall.

🎵 Should have been much further then this by now /
Your beautiful song 🎵

Sadly, that's all I remember.

🎵 A little bit more gone, a little less twisted around /
Your absolutely beautiful song 🎵

I woke up, more energised than usual, despite knowing I'd gotten less sleep than I usually get, which is some serious cognitive dissonance shit, if I do say so, myself! I felt depressed beyond belief, but had the energy of being elated.

Two opposite extremes, hooked together.

**

Now, the astute amongst you, will have noticed that I used two different songs, instead of the single one that I posted. Well, I did. There's a song, right after Once, called Why, on the album, and I think it's just as fitting, to my situation, due to how I feel like the original girl I once knew, is long dead, replaced by a zombified imposter, making the current girl, some sort of quasi-original, that has shades of what the original used to have, but, in the end, was nothing like her, deep down.

Yes, I feel like the original girl committed soul suicide, long ago, sometime after 2013, and that the girl who came back to me, twice, was a zombified imposter. It breaks my hear beyond belief, because it feels both like I've been dumped, in the worst of ways, and like I lost a loved one, to suicide.

This dream has left me feeling broken to pieces, and listening to Rascal Flatts' album, Unstoppable, on repeat. To me, it's the perfect break-up album, as almost all of the tracks, are about lost love, or about very deep introspection, about what matters most, to you.

It's a fucking beautiful album, and I suggest that everyone listens to it, some day. At least, those of you, whom can tolerate county.

So, yeah, I'm fucking depressed. And I do suppose I'm left with a burning thought, and a burning question:

Once. And, why?

(Next article in the "Trauma" Series can be found here)