I wish I knew how to love more gently

(SOURCE: https://bit.ly/4b8Eema)
(Previous article in the "Trauma" Series can be found here)

CONTENT WARNING: Drop of a song that intimates loss of a loved one, through suicide, towards the end, along with its lyrics, and use of the word "suicide."

Yeah, don't @ me, but we're kickin' things off, with a song, AGAIN. Yeah, yeah, I know. "What year is it, Sonic? 2004? And what platform is this? LiveJournal?" You know what? I don't care. I'm fucking depressed, and Ima tell all y'all why that is:

If you don't like country, too bad, 'cos Ima be posting the lyrics, starting with the chorus, and going verse-by-verse, throughout the blog post, à la those infamous fan fictions, that integrate song lyrics.

I think it works better for a piece of writing, like this, anyway, so there! xP

🎵 Now I wait by the phone in the dark drunk on hope
I'm so lost, I'm so low, and I just want you to know
Everywhere that I go, I'm reminded of us
Where we've been, all we've done, and all the love that we shared
Once, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, once🎵

Change of tone?

Change of tone.

**

When you consider whom this dream featured, you'd realise the SHEER IRONY of using a country song, to express the hurt, and loss that I'm feeling, in spite of all the horrible things she--and everyone in her system--did to me. You see, she hated--and I assume, still hates--country.

However, it may also be the most apt choice, on the planet, given both how gone she is, and how far removed she is, from the girl I once knew, due to trauma.

The girl I once knew, is, for all intents and purposes, dead, despite her body still being very alive, and full of members, including one masquerading as the girl I once knew.

Yes, this is another blog post about the person who left me, in Christmas Month 2023, but with a sick twist.

Lemme get going, already, before I lose the plot, and the audience.

Anyway, like many dreams, I can't possibly recall everything, but huge parts of it, I remember vividly. Like many people, I have repeating dreams, from time to time, but rather than the dream itself repeating, I have repeating themes. The most common themes my dreams have, are: Travelling to A City Up North, Travelling to a Country North of Mine, Being in a Metropolis South of Me, My Local Mall, The Largest Mall in My Region, Working at the Thrift Stores I Worked at, and Apartment Dreams. These dreams often mix in loved ones, or exes, or long-lost people.

🎵 You must have been in a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd 🎵

Anyway, this was a Mall Dream, but the strangest one, I've ever had. Like most dreams, I have no real memory of the hows or whys, but this person decided to let everything go, and come back into my life, only she came back, as the person I once knew, and loved.

The person I knew in 2012.

🎵 Should have been much further then this by now
A little bit more gone a little less twisted around
Should have been much better, you'd think but I'm not
I'm still stuck, I'm still here in this rut 🎵

So, she decided to come up, and visit me. We're having a great time, and then we decided to have a date, at my local mall. And that's where it gets weird, and where I remember almost all of the deets: the mall was the most pimped-up, that it's been, in any Mall Dream that I've ever had, as it combines the two types of mall, into one: the largest mall in my region, is now mixed with my local mall.

Trippy.

🎵 Oh why? That's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song 🎵

So, we go around, and towards the end, we're coming to a part of the mall, that's all closed off. And wouldn't you know it? It's blocked off, under construction!

🎵 Looking back on everything that we had
Holding on to words that we can't take back
What am I to do with the past
When it's all that I have, and I can't get you back 🎵

However, the security guard lets us into the area, so I can visit my favourite stores, which consist of an electronics store, and of a nerdy-product store, which I can't recall the names of. All I know, is that the electronics store went by the wrong name, but had the same products. We had to wander through corridor, after corridor to get around, but we saw everything I wanted to see.

🎵 Now in my mind, I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun 🎵

After all of this, it was past dark, and we had to leave. So, I hopped on my Lyft app, to hail a "cab." As I did this, I got the side-eye from her, and I looked at her, and said, "don't worry! I always tip a gargantuan amount!" And then, suddenly, a huge mall kiosk pulled up, and started selling us a Lyft ride, filled with all kinds of bourgeois perks, like food, drink, and other things of comfort to have, both before our ride got here, and while we were on our ride.

🎵 I remember you sayin' I was the one
And nothing could change that, but you were wrong
It's funny how life turns on a dime
Now we don't even talk, I just stare at these walls 🎵

And then, after booking every option, and securing our ride, we had to beat feet, as it would be there, in ten minutes. So, we began running, and kept going the wrong way. And then, the security guard came back, yelling, "c'mon! You have to go this way!" And he began leading the way, through a store that was boarded up.

The old Sears store, in my local mall.

🎵 Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that bad of a place 🎵

We ran through the boarded up Sears store, and, it was laid out more like an IKEA, with various collections of merchandise, just sitting there, gathering dust, in the darkness. And there were so many twists, and turns, as we made our way to the exit.

🎵 Once, you made the world feel so right
Once, you were my morning, noon, and night
Why'd we slip away?
Why did it all change? How will I ever be the same? 🎵

We finally made it outside, but we were at the exit that came before the bus stops, and I'm thinking, oh, shit! However, we hear a guy holler my name, and, it's a fucking limo!! We get in, he greets us, hands us our eat and drink, and we get goin'. However, as we get closer to my house, the driver's demeanour changes drastically. He stops the car, gets in back, and tells us that the cost I was expecting to pay (why I remember this, I'll never know, but it was US $42.68), is wrong, and that, on top of that, we owe an additional US $1000, as an upcharge, for the bourgeois luxury!

So what do we do? We jump.

🎵 Oh why?
There's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life
Wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to walk away
In the middle of a song 🎵

So, we begin walking away, towards home, and somehow, we ended up back at the mall.

🎵 Should have been much further then this by now /
Your beautiful song 🎵

Sadly, that's all I remember.

🎵 A little bit more gone, a little less twisted around /
Your absolutely beautiful song 🎵

I woke up, more energised than usual, despite knowing I'd gotten less sleep than I usually get, which is some serious cognitive dissonance shit, if I do say so, myself! I felt depressed beyond belief, but had the energy of being elated.

Two opposite extremes, hooked together.

**

Now, the astute amongst you, will have noticed that I used two different songs, instead of the single one that I posted. Well, I did. There's a song, right after Once, called Why, on the album, and I think it's just as fitting, to my situation, due to how I feel like the original girl I once knew, is long dead, replaced by a zombified imposter, making the current girl, some sort of quasi-original, that has shades of what the original used to have, but, in the end, was nothing like her, deep down.

Yes, I feel like the original girl committed soul suicide, long ago, sometime after 2013, and that the girl who came back to me, twice, was a zombified imposter. It breaks my hear beyond belief, because it feels both like I've been dumped, in the worst of ways, and like I lost a loved one, to suicide.

This dream has left me feeling broken to pieces, and listening to Rascal Flatts' album, Unstoppable, on repeat. To me, it's the perfect break-up album, as almost all of the tracks, are about lost love, or about very deep introspection, about what matters most, to you.

It's a fucking beautiful album, and I suggest that everyone listens to it, some day. At least, those of you, whom can tolerate county.

So, yeah, I'm fucking depressed. And I do suppose I'm left with a burning thought, and a burning question:

Once. And, why?

(Next article in the "Trauma" Series can be found here)

For me, it's US Flag Code. I just think it's kinda absurd and audacious that such a thing exists that I can't help but respect it, conceptually.

(Of course there's already a us flag code tag on here. Geez. My friends.)

(except my partner, or partners when I have more than one)
I don’t even know anymore if it’s actually being perceived while nude that makes me uncomfortable, or if it’s that I get cold so easily and have to cover back up to remain physically a comfortable temperature. Which wouldn’t be a cop in my head so much as a paramedic in my nerves?

For me, it's US Flag Code. I just think it's kinda absurd and audacious that such a thing exists that I can't help but respect it, conceptually.

(Of course there's already a us flag code tag on here. Geez. My friends.)