Oh look I did another Carly Rae Jepsen acoustic cover. This one is about the fact that I am ✨️mentally ill✨️. I've been feeling like I'm coming apart tonight. I've been feeling all of the anxiety and too-muchness EVEN THOUGH I'm not even having any of the bad thoughts that usually lead to or are connected to these feelings. Its just meaningless noise. And that fact is in itself demoralizing. I can't see the middle ground between being totally witholding and oversharing so I impulsively sent this cover + a long rambly feelings text to my new date-mate, but only after not texting them all night bc I didn't want to overshare about how weird I'm feeling and how scary it is. So I got worst of both worlds I guess. Anyway here's "Too Much"
Here's a three part video series (that could be ten years old?) which details the neuroanatomy of ADHD patients and supposes a specific model of the development of executive function and how ADHD blows it all up with an average of a 30-40% deficit of capability in adults.
But what made me YELL AT MY MONITOR was two things that are apparently JUST NORMAL for people by age 30 that would be utterly life changing accomplishments to me -
First, not just making one long-term decision each day, but having your average decision on an average day be one which considers the future between two to three MONTHS out. HOLY SHIT HOW?
Second, the average neurotypical person roughly keeping vague spreadsheet like track of their relationships or connections to a HUNDRED AND FIFTY OTHER PEOPLE??? WHAT? HOOWWWWWW???!?!?! I could basically track about as many people who I did not see once a week as I have fingers, if that.
I assume that the average person doesn't think of these decisions and memories of people in those terms, but that's part of my point - Even two weeks and ten people would seem IMPOSSIBLE to me with my ADHD untreated.
I mean the very idea of THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE? AT WILL?? That was absolutely undoable for me most of the time before I got a diagnosis and meds. Sure, I could, occasionally, with outside help, make those kinds of plans, but to just, over the course of my life, have developed these superpowers? Absolutely unreal.