Tomorrow morning, I'll be getting up bright and early for my hysterectomy - a procedure I've been trying to schedule and afford on and off for nearly ten years now. Getting my gonads removed has been an idea I've kicked around in the back of my hands even before figuring out I was trans, and I've never really considered it a transitional goalpost in the same way top surgery or HRT was.

Lately I've had a little bit of a fire under my ass to get it taken care of because of a couple reasons - some chronic pain issues due in part to (what's most likely) endometriosis alongside atrophy due to HRT, and also the political climate. I've had enough hiccups delay this procedure for a decade (whether it was school, work, or personal responsibilities, lack of money/sick leave, or whatever). I don't need the hate of some small-minded politician getting in the way.

Anyway - the thing I'm most bothered by is the recovery process. This will be a laparoscopic surgery, so the majority of healing will be internal and invisible. I hate feeling unable to do anything, and in the past few days leading up to surgery, I feel the itch of multiple projects that I want to complete. So, tamping down the urge to work, and focusing on resting and healing, is probably gonna be tough. I'm very lucky that my husband has already been through this, and is also very good at helping me rein in my compulsions.

I've got some anxiety, of course - going under the knife and staying in a hospital isn't my preferred way to spend a day or two - but ultimately, I'm relieved. As long as I have the capability to become pregnant, I don't think I'd feel like I have complete ownership of my body. Like there's always a caveat, or a scenario I need to worry about in worst-case situations. Plus, I'll be able to go about my days without worrying as much about debilitating cramping. Despite the pain and discomfort that'll happen through recovery, I think I'll feel similarly to how I did after top surgery - like I can stretch my mind out to accompany every inch of body, and live with a better outlook on life.