i think i hate my big desk :( ^{(it's 30x72)}

^{(it's 30x72)}

im really, deeply, aggressively envious of people who's work setup can also be their off-time setup. dont need to move the keyboard around, don't need to adjust the arms on their chairs any, don't need to scoot to a different position on their desk. i hate having to move shit around multiple times a day. if im drawing and need to use discord or look stuff up or just use the keyboard in any actual-keyboard related capacity, i have to move a big tablet out of the way or scrunch my hands around the tablet and contort my wrists in a way that fucking sucks and hurts. i have an ergotron mx arm that i tried using and i can't because it wobbles all the time when i draw with it and it's infuriating. unless you've got it resting flat on the desk underneath (which i can't because the tablet isn't tall enough) then those things are fucking useless.

im so tired of this like my body is in constant pain from doing what i do but it's my living and my hobby!! i do it to make money and i do it because i can't imagine doing anything else! it consumes me. i have to draw. to be unable to find a comfortable setup, or even one that's just at minimum acceptable, is infuriating and depressing and makes me want to quit.

it's also bringing up another problem of like... i got this desk that i am now realizing is too big and it's making me feel like a failure because i tried to fix a thing and not only did it not fix it but it ruined another thing that wasn't a problem which was how much i like being nestled into a tiny corner. i'm whatever the opposite of claustrophobic is. i hate tall ceilings, i like small spaces, i want to sleep against walls, i want to ball up under a weighted blanket. my old workspace afforded me that in a way i really liked and not having that anymore, having all this open space both on my desk and around me, is messing with my head i feel uncomfortable.

i just don't know what to do. i've never been so energized to draw and so demotivated to do it at the same time. the urge is there and i stop and take breaks every 5 minutes because i get uncomfortable.

i've been spending so much time for the past couple days trying to remember how i made a big tablet setup work in our old apartment. i don't think i ever did. i know i drew most of my comic on it but i mostly remember using a small drawing tablet on my desk and just using that as a mousepad when i wasn't using it. is that what i need to go back to? can i? i work so fast with a big display tablet but what's the point of speed if i'm stopping all the time.

i wish i had built in the muscle memory or comfort or something to have like, a keyboard hang above the tablet or using a shortcut pad or something. but even then i'd still have to shuffle the thing around. there's still stuff i can try. i can try getting a tray so i can have my keyboard under my desktop, i can try getting a smaller tablet still, like a 16" or something. but i'm also tired of throwing money at the problem hoping it solves things. i'm tired of this consuming my thoughts every day because it impedes me every minute im trying to be creative. i hate it.

elaborating on this here because the last time i talked about cohost on bluesky, i was accused of having an agenda because that website is stupid

anyway, ive just been opening tweetdeck/twitter, looking at a few tweets, then closing it because it's just... so hard to care now. the art is still there and i love it and i miss a lot of it but i get so much of it on cohost now. some from the same artists but a lot from new folks i'm excited to see more of. it's new ground! it's the first couple months of twitter/tumblr/deviantart/etc all over again.

but more importantly it's just... this place doesn't suck ass. cohost isn't a nice place, like, the edges aren't filed off and sanded down. it's a mix! people are angry on here and occasionally rude and nobody is pulling any punches on a lot of stuff. but people aren't, like, hostile. people are angry but nobody's mad, especially not at one another. there's so much vulgarity here and bad memes and worse jokes and a whole bunch of broken people but it's not a padded room! the site was designed to curb hostility and harassment and it, like, worked

idk. it's 10pm and im tired so maybe this isn't entirely cogent. i've just been thinking about how this is now the site i just gravitate back to over the course of the day the way i did with twitter for 10 years. with twitter i did it because everyone was there. with this i'm finally doing it because it feels like im on the internet again.