I've been filled with thoughts lately. watching the endless news tickers roll by, the updating feeds. they blur together. it reminds me of the way a film reel spools up: disjointed images flashing by as the rotor starts spinning, slowly melting into a smoothly moving picture.
it feels the same with these news feeds. disjointed headlines and opinions rolling past constantly, hard to comprehend. though here, the reel never quite gets up to speed to show a coherent whole. but it's still there, behind the words and images. you just have to squint a bit, parse out some of the fluff and bullshit. interpret the noise into something larger.
the picture that forms lately has been overwhelmingly depressing. I don't think it needs to be described here. it's impossible to miss.
the news feeds update with more, making sure you can't miss it.
--
I'm laying sprawled out on my bed, after a burst of anxiety driven chore productivity. I showered for the first time in more than a week, started laundry, shaved. it feels as though I've exited a dark cave after hours of stumbling around blindly.
as I'm laying there, I become aware that I'm not sure what the emotion I'm feeling is anymore. you would think that doing all of that might bring relief. might start to drag me out of the depressive rut I'd been in over the last few days. in some sense? it does.
but it doesn't feel like relief. there are still so many responsibilities hanging over my head, things that are too big to solve with just a little self maintenance. so I lay there, in bed, serenaded by the loud ka-thunks of my washing machine. I stare at my phone.
the feeds update again. the world around me evaporates. I'm dragged once more into darkness.
--
the phrase "everything happens so much" is all too applicable now. the lighthearted phrase that took on a life of its own and turned real. now it's a mantra, something we pull out when we're mired in exhaustion. sometimes it gets a chuckle. usually it's received with a sigh and a tired nod.
the world doesn't slow down. it doesn't allow you room to breathe. it feels as though you have to keep looking or else you'll miss the next little thing that tries to sneak past you, the next little shitty change making it that much harder to live, the next major tragedy that could've been stopped.
you blink.
violent bigots kill a counter protestor at a rally.
you stop to mourn.
the courts overturn more protections for the marginalized.
you try to find peace.
dozens of civilians murdered in another bombing.
you try to make sense of it all.
--
the last three days, for me, have been dominated by a haze of fear and doubt about the future and my place in it. locked in bed for most of it, paralyzed by the weight of everything happening around me. on a personal level: my lost job and the daunting search for something new hanging over my head threatening to crush me like a plastic stress toy under the unyielding arm of a pneumatic press. the creeping horror of realizing just how little hope I have of my applicable job skills in web dev being used for anything but the soul sucking task of turning the internet further into a consumerist hellscape. the dread of the thought of returning to the 9 to 5 work grind that mills my brain into pulp.
beyond that, there's the uncertainty of whether my state will try to legislate me back into the closet. the endless parade of tech billionaires making things worse for everyone so they can make another few bucks. the sickening way that the population at large has moved on from COVID despite variants and surges and the ever present threat of long lasting disability. the omnipresent horror of the bombings and murders of innocent people, the newest targets of genocide. the gut wrenching disgust and pain that comes with knowing that the country I live in continues to fund such atrocities, continues to block any steps toward peace. the looming threat of climate disaster. the constant fear that the world is too full of hate to save. the constant fear. the constant fear.
the feeds update silently in the background. it is deafening.
--
I have been filled with thoughts lately. it is utterly debilitating sometimes. the problems stack, becoming a jenga tower of worry and sorrow and pain and ennui. it becomes impossible to carry for long.
there are a thousand different points that you could try to make with this. the necessity of letting yourself unplug and regain stability, the power of community to help carry things with you, the urgency with which we all have to pay attention to the world, the sympathy to share with those who falter and stumble and need help picking up.
for me, the point is to share these thoughts. put them from my head into something else. make space for me to breathe again, and put other thoughts into that emptied space. to put things down so I can pick them up later.
I tend to hold onto thoughts too long. I don't want to put them away or throw them out until I've solved them, faced them in some way or another. but I have to let them go, sometimes. write them somewhere, throw them into the void, leave them where they sit. whether I've reckoned with them or not.
they'll come back to me, later on. maybe I'll be ready for them then, maybe not. and if not, there's the next time after that.
I am not like the news feeds. neither are you. our brains aren't meant to hold every breaking update forever. we can let things flow in and out. that doesn't mean we're forgetting the pressing issues. it means we're giving ourselves the space to process, so we don't burn out and shut down.
the feeds update again.
I will catch up when I am ready.
