i think a kind of cognitive dissonance that i struggle with is realizing that people I look up to or admire in a certain way being younger than myself. For example, just learned Nate Stevenson is (newly) 32 and I am (also newly) 35. Some musings under the cut as the New Year settles in, I guess?
I think I'm just sort of frustrated because I had ideas I would do something whatever the hell that means. And obviously, I still could! I would love to be able to say I've done something tangible, something I can point to as an accomplishment that I feel proud of. But, I can't think of anything. One might suggest that my completion of a master's degree is a sufficient thing to be proud of and that's probably true, but also, I went directly into the PhD and so the very real fear of never finishing that looms over me and overshadows the previous degree.
And I'm no artist or writer, or least I don't feel I am. I know, with certainty that things I have drawn or written have been enjoyed by people and that feels good. I just wish I felt more of that, I guess? I dunno. But, I guess it's a moment of frustration that I feel like "if I were just more motivated or more talented or..." I could be the kind of person I think I always wanted to be. And I think that's not separate from society's general idea that if you don't establish yourself as whatever by a certain age, you won't be. But we all know that's not true. But damn, it feels like that.
Anyways, as always, I will end on this note which is probably how all of my sad musing should end: my friends are always supportive of me when I decide to write or doodle something and for that, I am incredible grateful. I love you so much, my friends. Thank you.
