Our HOA wanted us to remove our fence because their children wanted to use my tree house. I politely told him no because that tree house was dangerous and not made for children. HOA went red in the face, "We'll see about that!" 2 days later, I heard a commotion outside our house. The HOA was dismantling my fence!
However, I did NOTHING and waited.
A few hours later, the scream I was waiting for came. It was satisfying to hear, "WHY IS THERE A KINDER EGG IN HERE?!" come from the direction of my tree house, in our HOA's shrill voice. I ran straight to the window, where he saw me, laughing my head off... Boy, that really pissed him off! If words could only capture the look on his face before he shouted, "THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT WHAT YOU DID! I COULD HAVE CHOKED AND DIED!!!"
That's about when my laughter started shorting some internal circuitry, and our prized collection of urine began to tiptoe down to Boxer Town. The HOA guy kept screaming something about booby traps being illegal, but I couldn't really process his words, as I was now utterly distraught, frantically trying to pick up my urine and stuff it back in where I'd kept it all organized. Things took a turn for the worse as my tears began to fall and mix with my urine. I tried my absolute best to pick the tears out and keep the two collectibles segregated, just the way nature intended, but ultimately, my efforts proved futile. The piddle rights movement was well underway, and I could feel that I was firmly on the wrong side of history. I grabbed a handful of fists out of our left back pocket, and brandished them at HOA like a menacing man.
"YOU..." I said, with the small, sinister chuckle of a menacing man, and the tears of a man speaking to his HOA. "You just had to go poking around where it was none of your beeswax..." I balled my fists up tighter, while stomping in small circles, first clockwise, then widdershins. "... and now..." I faced away, bobbing to and fro like the amalgamate in the bathtub. "MY WHEEWE HAS BEEN REARRANGED IN A FOREIGN AND UNSYSTEMATIC MANNER!" I spun on our heels, and paused on the points of our shoes to face the HOA fellow again. Now, it was time to intimidate the HOA.
I made a scary face.
"I AM GOING TO CALL UP A BIGGER HOA..." I said, with the small, sinister chuckle of a menacing man, and the tears of a man speaking to his HOA. "... AND HE IS GOING TO EAT YOU!"
The color drained from his stupid HOA head's face. He asked, "We're not talkin' soft vore, are we, pumpkin?" I shook my head to convey that no, that was not what I meant. He did a somersault out of the tree house window, and a series of whistles ascending in pitch could be heard as he ran off in the direction of the full-body natural male enhancement store, in what would be a vain attempt to become an even bigger HOA on short notice.
I collapsed to the ground, needing a moment to pull myself together, just sitting there in shambles with my tinkie unmade. With a shaky hand, I pried my wadded fists open, reached in deeply toward the center, and extracted my Nokia. My foot felt around for the phone book we keep next to the box of Nokias. After reeling it in, I opened it up to the Bs, and gently ran my fingers down the listings until I spotted "Bigger HOA". "Beep boop boop boop boop beep beep beep boop beep," said my Nokia, as I pressed some of its many pretty little buttons. My Nokia's voice changed to that of a very large HOA, to whom I explained the situation. He assured me he'd be right over.
I slid my face back up to the window, watching and waiting until I saw him arrive.
🧍♂️
🏘️🏘️🏘️🏘️🏘️
I saw him walk in the direction of the full-body natural male enhancement store. He reached down, picked someone – or something – up, and brought it to his face. He turned around, licking his lips, and then walked up to my house. He kneeled down to my window, and asked, "Yo, Dude, can I use your tree house?" Which, I mean, it was the LEAST I could do after he put that nosy little HOA guy in his place! So I nodded, and he stood up, unzipped his mighty fly, and began pissing into my tree house. I smiled as I watched the giant's piss flood my arboreal abode, laminar leaks streaming from between the boards. My tree house filled up to the point that our Kinder egg got washed out the window!
At first, I panicked, somersaulting through my window, and continuing to somersault over to the egg, driving shards of window glass deeper into my skin as I splashed and soaked my wounds in puddles of piss. I gasped big-time when I saw that our egg had cracked, something that I'd known was possible, but that I'd never managed to do with my own piss. With a shaky hand, I pried the egg wide open, reached in deeply toward the center, and extracted the capsule. I gently pinched the sides, and for the first time in all my years with the egg, laid my eyes on its contents.
Folks, I'll tell ya, I cried. And this time, I was very careful as I cried. For you see, these were not the tears of a man speaking to his HOA. No, these were tears of JOY! The tears of a man who had just opened his Kinder egg's capsule to discover a brand-new, neatly-organized urine collection! I was so happy, I could have cried! And cry I did, as I'm crying now, looking back on this tearful episode. The bigger HOA cried too. And then most of us farted.
