When you receive your copy of KNIVES IN YOUR EYES in the mail, eagle-eyed readers will notice a certain piece of information missing from the front cover. It’s my name. I did not make this decision lightly, I promise, so there’s no need to ask me why my name isn’t anywhere on this physical book. I didn’t forget.
My name is on the cover. It’s all over the jacket and across the spine, melted into the binding, and behind every single word. There’s more of me contained in this book than in anything else I’ve ever made.
When I was in college, I signed a book deal for a young adult romance series. It was slated to have 3 novels and 4 novellas. It was under my legal name. Only one of those titles ever came out because I was in my twenties, not yet out as trans, had several undiagnosed issues slowly sapping the life out of me, and was in an abusive relationship. I had to pull myself out of that name, out of that relationship, out of that career path, before it wound up killing me.
I’m several years older, wiser, honestly in worse health, but ultimately more myself than I’ve ever been. That being said, I still flinch when people ask me what my name is. I’m still not sure what to give them. I go by four different names in four different spaces and I don’t really feel like any of them contain my full self. I don’t know if there will ever be any one name that I feel good enough about that I would want to stitch it permanently into my body of work. Something about being trans in an openly hostile country, coming from a family who can’t trace all their roots, being disabled in an ableist world, and surviving forms of abuse I didn’t even understand were possible until I was inside of them, has really altered my view of what a name is supposed to be.
My name is often a weapon that gets turned against me. But my work is not a weapon. My work is more a part of me than any of the names I’ve gone by in my life. I don’t say the name of this book out loud and hear anyone else saying it. This book is mine, and I’m glad I can share it with other people. I will give exactly as much of myself with all of you as I choose. Nothing more and nothing less.
If you want a more technical answer, everything I publish will be put under my Friction Press label, which acts as my thumbprint on these books. Also my initials are on the copyright page. And there’s something in there that stands in place of my own author credentials and bio. You can read that when you get your copy.
The point is—the answer to this question is—because I chose not to put it there. After having a certain number of choices taken from me, there came a point where I delighted in making ones like this. I happily withhold my name from this book. And I happily give this book to you.
I hope you enjoy it.