Chef: "So you've come back for seconds, I see."
Me: "Yeah! I can't wait to taste what you've got for me this time!"
Chef: "Have a seat. I think you'll be quite surprised by what I have to offer."
Me: "-sits down- I can smell something good already!"
Chef: "I'll have it out for you in a second. Oh, and by the way...-leans in close to whisper- This time, there's a razor blade in it."
Me: "...Excuse me?"
Chef: "-laughs, but does not say he's joking-"
Me: "-getting uncomfortable- Hey. What gives? You didn't act so creepy the last time I ate here-"
Chef: "Bon appetit. -turns the lights off-"
"is this not a more exciting meal than you had the last time?" he asks
i have not touched my food yet. he seems uncertain as to why i'm letting it go cold
"i could replace the razor blade with a dull piece of metal," he offers
he does not offer to turn the lights back on or remove the foreign object entirely
"it would spoil the intended experience," he says
Chef: "So! You have cleared your plate at last. How did you enjoy your meal?"
Me: "Goddamn, man. You're lucky I have a friend who has night-vision goggles and a pocket metal detector or I would never have made it through that whole ordeal."
Chef: "...Night-vision goggles."
Me: "Yeah."
Chef: "Pocket metal detector."
Me: "Yeah!"
Chef: "You...did not find the flashlight sitting on the table? The one that was right next to your fork and knife?"
Me: "No? You turned the fucking lights off!"
Chef: "And you did not notice the tablecloth was a map revealing the precise location of the razor blade in the dish?"
Me: "Why would I? You turned the lights off!"
Chef: "You had a flashlight the whole time!"
Me: "How was I supposed to realize that? You turned the lights off right after telling me you put a razor blade in my food! I thought you were going through some kind of Saw phase here!"
Chef: "-facepalms- Mon dieu..."