And it's just…if everyone is "my priorities must be your priorities or else you're a Bad Person™" then…if my personal lines were any different I'd pivot HARD out of spite. As it is it's just…I don't have the energy for that.

I'm reading back through my old chosts and it's interesting to see where I was a year ago compared to now. I think I'm doing okay. I'm not doing as well as my highest and most unrealistic hopes but I am definitely doing so much better.

I think the main thing is that I finally quit the political-trainwreck-gazing fandom. "Hey, did you hear there's a bunch of conservatives who believe that..." Yeah! I'm sure there are! Okay! Thanks for the FYI! Maybe tomorrow we can trade pictures of roadkill or sewer blockages, too!

I will probably always find some guilty pleasure in finding ideas so bad that we can all pat ourselves on the back for not believing them, but it's no longer a major part of every day, and when I do it's more likely to be something merely silly than something personally threatening, and I am vastly healthier for it.

Thinking about this more and it's not just direct exposure to the haters that I'm getting away from, but also the kind of "leftism" that's all about the purity/contamination of your personal consumption. Which I've long been critical of, but it would still get to me subliminally. John Lennon Beat His Wife Guy moved into my brain and wanted me to do a little background check on everyone and everything I interacted with. Is the developer of this game a pro-lifer? Is the owner of this store a climate denier? Where does the singer of this song stand on trans rights? Okay, how about the drummer on this song?

And, like, okay, you don't want to materially support evil, but when it gets down to the fractional cents or the "technically the algorithmic boost from me clicking could lead to them receiving fractional cents more"... the entire effort-reward calculus here could be entirely wiped out by a single modestly sized check to a reputable legal aid organization. Blah blah it doesn't literally cancel out, but when the sin you're "canceling out" is microscopic it might as well. And that will save you hours of your life plus that weird contaminated feeling you get when you learn the bassist has problematic beliefs but you've already listened to the song.

(I hope other people know what I mean by this contaminated feeling. it's not just guilt, it's, like, feeling corrupted by the fact that I was in contact with a Problematic Element. I do not consciously endorse this feeling and I very much do not recommend cultivating it.)

Anyway, the recovery process for this mentality is disturbingly much of... well, a literal recovery process... but oh my god I'm so much further along in it than I was a year ago.