"wow, that fits really well!" what does this even mean? what does it mean when a shirt "fits?" what is oversized? baggy? tight? skinny? cropped? what is the point of clothes in general? is being well-dressed the same as spending a lot of money?

this drove me crazy in high school. i mean, of course dysphoria was a big part of that. when my brother left to go to college, i had to room all to myself. so i started waking up at 4 so i could do schoolwork in the morning. but often i would wake up, shower, and then have to get dressed. and it would result in me unloading my entire wardrobe onto my bed over the course of several hours and hating everything. that would use my entire morning, and i would cover the clothes i left on my bed with my blanket so my parents wouldnt know that i spend all my mornings playing a depressing game of dress up.

i used to buy a lot of fast fashion, shitty clothes. i enjoyed going to h&m and trying on all the new pieces every few months, and my parents loved taking me because id never ask to buy anything ever, and it showed me being happy about something they could take place in. it was such an obvious form of me trying to fulfill some superficial feminine persona. if i could just show that i cared about aesthetics, maybe id be seen as feminine and people would accept that part of me without me having to say anything. and even for me, all these pretty ladies i saw on advertisements and media—buying clothes could make me be like them.

so i remember before going on this morning trip to try beekeeping i put on jeans. i hate jeans. but i had to for the thick fabric. so i looked up like "korean female jeans outfit" and saw all these pics of cute outfits with the same jeans i had! the same straight cut that contrasted what youd expect: mom jeans or skinny tights to accentuate form. but when i put them on it didnt look any good. it looked awful. and i felt awful. for selling out both my gender identity and racial identity—whatever that means. they dont fit me.

the point of clothes are to be an extension of you. they're supposed to accentuate, insulate, enhance, and sharpen your identity. its no different from painting your own walls or furnishing and decorating your shelves. when you put on a new piece of clothing, you should feel a certain connection with it, and more importantly you should feel it pulling out and calling to a certain part of your identity you may not have heard much from before.

the word "fit." it's like when puzzle pieces fit together. they just click. it's like they were made for each other. and so me in wearing those jeans, trying to fulfill an aesthetic, an identity, a class, and a set of interests i didnt have was such a clear example of someone jamming pieces together. im bold, kind, comfortable, and flowy, and so my clothes should reflect that. nearly my entire journey is about finding my own way, and so my fashion should reflect my own personal, unique tastes.

some brands ive found a bit of home in are gudrun sjoden, noctu, farm rio, rafikimono, olive ankara, blush, and kotn. they are quite expensive. but i would rather buy something i like and will continue to wear than buy something that i dont just end up forgetting about, but something that genuinely causes me pain each time i see it.

but, i must admit this about myself, i get really mad when people have locateable aesthetics. i dont have a specific aesthetic name. im not cottagecore or goth or coquette or 70s or 20s or 90s or business casual or whatever. and if you are able to just. go to the mall...and buy clothes that you love? i want you dead. im so jealous. or if you like getting stuff on temu or asos or amazon or zara. i fucking hate you. i dont get to just wear shit—and the ideas of "fit" that exist around me are thorns in my memory. but also i know its not your fault! its a knot in my morals.

one day i wanna make my own clothes. thats a bit in the future tho in the order of my life goals.