“Water? I hardl–”
hardly know her? yeah tHAT’S THE PROBLEM
Hi! Just a cute trans girl on the internet. I have a plethora of random little hobbies and creative media I like to make stuff in, which I may or may not post when I have time. :3
This girl dreams of being a gamedev someday.
A little bit of a creature.
Going to miss Cohost so much when it's gone. :( Let's carry Eggbug in our hearts...
“Water? I hardl–”
hardly know her? yeah tHAT’S THE PROBLEM
I started hormones today. It’s both a nadir and an anticlimax.
Physical: You speak to the doctor. You take a blood test, fill out some paperwork. Squeeze the cream onto your finger. Rub rub rub.
You wake up, make some tea, and begin to sob.
Mental: GID (gender identity disorder, 性同一性障害) is known in the States as “gender dysphoria.” The doctor explains to you that, in Japan it is starting to be called “gender incongruence,” as you are not sick. You have a gender incongruence.
As per the Japanese regulations, before you receive a diagnosis for 性同一性障害 they must first rule out you being intersex. There are three options for testosterone (colloquially, 男性ホルモン):
If you do the 250mg 注射 it is 40% likely you will get ニキビ, as your 体毛が濃くなる, 髪の毛が薄くなる (does your father have 薄い髪の毛?), 声の低音化 and such. 専門用語が苦手と言っても、 you studied pages upon pages of FTM medical articles to prepare for this visit. It took you four months to get it.
You want a more gradual change, so you decide on the cream and will consider the 125mg 注射.
Then, it’s done. You take a blood test and leave. Nothing more. You did it.
Emotional: You are lost on the way to the appointment. Don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up. It’s 0C and you’re sweating. You told your friends today was the day of your appointment and how worried you were and out of all your (cis) friends only one (trans) friend remembers and sends you a message telling you she loves you.
You didn’t know you wanted someone to say something. Did you want someone to acknowledge you?
Japanese isn’t your first language but you’re fluent enough to understand and engage and advocate for yourself. Then why does it feel so terrifying?
You meet some friends after and you are late. Your appointment went over. The night proceeds as normal. But it’s not. Not to you anyway. You are thinking about the cream in your bag, about your paperwork processing. It doesn’t feel like a big deal. It’s a big fucking deal. But only to you.
In the evening you put it on. Obviously, there are no changes yet. But you look in the mirror and say, I could get used to me.
You wake up, and make yourself tea.
All the years of your life you wasted hating yourself. All the years spent chasing a moving goalpost that always felt farther than the steps you took. But now, you don’t get to pretend you’re cis anymore. Soon, not today, but soon your cover will be blown.
You want to hold yourself close and say, “it’s gonna be okay. Whatever happens to us, I’m here for you.” You begin to sob.