mostly because this is brane bullshit that involves like three different things and a lot of personal baggage and I don't want to section them out in pieces that make internal sense in 280-char segments so as to avoid being taken out of context. but I'm sleepy and stressed so this is going to be m e s s y.
The event that got brane started
So earlier today I found out that someone I don't follow on Twitter but whose words I amplified by like reacting/RTing is actually a con artist, abuser, and (I sincerely hope former) cult leader, whose story I know based on a previous deep dive into the history, yikes, I think maybe exactly a year ago? (I did not know this was the same person before today). In order to verify the claims, I had to read the stories that included links to some of his old BS, which I had to reread to confirm it was the same story from before. I logged in to Twitter, removed that amplification, blocked the person, and RTed someone pointing out who he is. end of story right?Parallel situation brane is making false equivalences to
Except I am also dealing with a situation where I'm navigating boundaries with visitors from out of town who aren't staying with us, but who I do want to hang out with, but who I also want to let do what they want, but also who I'm unlikely ever to see again and almost certainly not in this area. And now, because I went down the rabbithole, I'm worried I'm being an asshole by asking about what days we have plans so I can plan my own week out. Which. This is ridiculous, right? like, I'm being ridiculous to be worried about it.But I'm learning that reading about/hearing narratives of abusers that people are afraid to say no to, etc. is triggering trauma I have over someone in the past casting me as "someone they were afraid to say no to" when I in fact tried to have as little possible sway over their life as possible (and what I did have was either specifically requested by them or directly impacted my ability to live my own life). like anxiety and people-pleasing is a thing, I get it, but if I'm frantically adding things like "it's ok to say no", "please say no if you don't want to", "there is literally zero pressure", "I would rather you say no than feel uncomfortable in the slightest possible way" to every single thing and being treated like saying any of that is in itself "manipulative" and a "pressure tactic" I…literally do not know what to do. so. then I get worried that I am actually abusive. to be clear!! I was indirectly accused of this behavior by the person in the past, I have NOT to my knowledge been accused of this in any way by anyone in the present, including the aforementioned visitors.
So why is this even an issue then? 1) brane is being brane 2) one of the people involved has very similar behaviors to Past Person (PP? lol) and I have trouble maintaining that separation when #1.
Why a common phrase used to comfort people in this situation is not helpful for me personally
It's absolutely always fine and important to review your behavior and intent and make sure you're not being an asshole intentionally or unintentionally. but I also hear a lot of "well if you were REALLY [insert bad trait here], you wouldn't be worried about it!" and this is a concept I'm uncomfortable with for a couple of reasons (a major one of which is mine alone, I'm not saying the concept itself is bad but I'm really not comfortable with it). First is the fact that I've seen a person who is terrible and does terrible things "self-reflect" and still absolve himself of any issues/wrongdoing/whatever (CN alcoholism, sexual harassment:The second reason is much more personal, which is that I don't think people understand that when I say I'm "worried" that I am being/behaving in a bad way, what I actually mean is that I'm internally screaming at myself that I MUST BE DOING THE THING I'M BAD IT'S ME I'M THE VILLAIN on repeat which results in me walking on eggshells and (probably unnecessarily) withdrawing from spaces/situations where I think I might even slightly influence people "against their will" even when they're probably just…normal everyday friend conversations?? And I KNOW this is not an objective or even in most cases subjective truth, but after almost 5 years of being treated like the de facto villain while bending over backwards to be accommodating, all so that the white femme who had cast me as said villain could maintain complete lack of accountability, I am STILL unraveling and unlearning this. and even before this I've been terrified of being "nagging" for years.
My point in all of that is that it should be normal for me to analyze my behavior and intent, especially if someone asks me to, but it should NOT be normal for me to have THIS level of anxiety and defensiveness about it, especially if nobody asked me to. So on that side of things, the "it's fine to be worried about your behavior because it means you're not actually bad" rhetoric is uncomfortable to me on a personal level because I don't actually think I or anyone else should have to live with this level of internal screaming just to be a good person. There should be a balance and I want to find it again.
Are you a bad person if you say that phrase/use that construction? Absolutely not. Should you stop saying that phrase/using that construction? Well…in all honesty, despite the whole waves hand at paragraphs thing I just said, I think it's fine. I just think it's more helpful to concentrate on the specifics of the situation (like "I don't think you are X in this situation because Y and Z"), and that if you are just trying to offer blanket comfort, a blanket statement (like "this is hard but I support you") is honestly fine and in this case better than "if you were X you wouldn't worry about being X". Because that last part makes me feel like in order not suck I have to scream at myself forever and that can't possibly be right. I value myself too much for that and hell, if I'm worried that means I'm just being self-centered—other people value me too much for that too, and have said as much.
(and yes a lot of this has to do with RSD also but RSD has also been used as a justification for bad behavior so we are not going into that today!!)
P.S. if you're thinking "wait isn't part of Your Brand(tm) enthusiastically encouraging others and their self-care, wouldn't all of this impact that negatively" the answer is yes and I get over this by:
- trying to read the room and match my behavior to it, which I did before and do normally
- trying very hard to do the right thing for people I care about when they tell me it's important and trying equally hard NOT to project anything else on them like how things were projected on me
- sometiems… … …I don't ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
