well my clinic just called me. medicaid denied my providers' prior auth for brand-name vyvanse again, claiming that there was "no documentation" of the medical issues i have that justify not making me continue to chase down generics or waste my fucking life trying all 12 other ADHD medications. the clinic did give them that documentation. my extreme emetophobia/trauma from prescriptions gone wrong has been a long-standing known issue and was the primary reason i got vyvanse in the first place without having to try any other ADHD medications!!! they're either lying or just fucking stupid and as usual i don't know which is worse. thankfully this gave me an opportunity to tell the clinic that i spent this week finding out that one of the generics literally does not work for me, and since there's no reasonable way to avoid a specific generic, we might still break through. but i don't have much hope.
people who can show up to work and deny health insurance claims all day are not human beings
it's fun how like. i have to perform disability (or even just like, regular temporary illness or injury) so precisely in order to get things i need. i have to be so, so, so careful to walk that line. visibly suffer enough to elicit sympathy, but not enough to elicit suspicion. be eloquent but not demonstrate too much knowledge about my own medical conditions, or health/medicine in general, because i might wound a doctor's ego if i know things they don't or think of things they didn't think of. i have to live under constant suspicion that i might just be lying to serve an addiction.
but lying is totally cool for everyone else. my doctor can lie to me about my MRI results. my doctor can lie to me about whether or not there's anything more that can be done for me re: chronic pain. some lifeless, soulless drone working for HR at my employer or claims at the medicaid office can lie all they want about whether or not they've received OVERWHELMING proof that i need x medication or y accommodation. everyone can just fucking lie to and about me, shamelessly, right to my face, and there's not a god damn thing i can do about it. i am not allowed to fail or stall on tasks. everyone else involved in the process of Me Maybe Getting A Little Healthcare As A Treat is allowed to procrastinate as long as they'd like, and if they hit a due date, they can just delay further by simply pretending they can't read.
it makes me insane. it's a complex now, it's been a through-line in my life all the way back to elementary school when my anxiety was manifesting as stomach aches and i started getting accused of lying about it. now i'm hyper-sensitive about it and sometimes i misinterpret good-faith statements as accusations. sometimes i snap at people i care about because they accidentally lean on a switch they didn't know was there. abuse victim behaves irrationally and poorly sometimes; news at 11.
i'm not really going anywhere with this i guess. i'm just screaming into the void while i wait for another call back. i should do something else, but when i get this angry it's hard to focus on anything else (because part of ADHD is poor emotional regulation! wheeeee) and it just taints anything else i try to do. in conclusion: primal scream
