shel

The Transsexual Chofetz Chaim

Mutant, librarian, poet, union rabble rouser, dog, Ashkenazi Jewish. Neuroweird, bodyweird, mostly sleepy.


I write about transformative justice, community, love, Judaism, Neurodivergence, mental health, Disability, geography, rivers, labor, and libraries; through poetry, opinionated essays, and short fiction.


I review Schoolhouse Rock! songs at @PropagandaRock


Website (RSS + Newsletter)
shelraphen.com/

Ever since accepting my unfortunate heterosexuality diagnosis earlier this summer I’ve been doing anthropological research into the ways of heterosexuals so that I can better understand the minds of like, people I might have to actually interact with as an autistic trans woman who doesn’t have any straight friends1 and doesn’t know any of the social norms or culture surrounding heterosexual subculture.

This of course has lead to many fun revelations like that heterosexuals are all participating in a D/s kink dynamic that’s been so normalized it’s treated as vanilla and considered opt-out rather than opt-in.

But recently I’ve noticed a very funny thing which is that straight men love to fantasize about controlling what women wear. It’s just so common that they love women to be their little dolls who they dress up the way they like as a show of exerting power over them. But they also refuse to actually learn anything about women’s clothing or fashion because that would be gay obviously. So the outfits they come up with for women are 1. Hideous and 2. Impractical.

But the funniest example to me is the obsession with things and g-strings that we especially see in the 00s and early 10s. Men will be like “yeah it’s so hot if a woman just only wears thongs all the time like oh she’s being cheeky and naughty and nobody even knows” and they seem to think that the reason to wear underwear with more coverage is for…. Modesty?

I hate to break to you boys but the reason to wear underwear with more coverage than a thong is to prevent butt acne. If your underwear doesn’t provide enough coverage and there’s a lot of friction (for instance from some very tight booty shorts) then you’re going to get ingrown hairs all over your butt and the back of your thighs. And that is not going to be as sexy as in your fantasy of making “your” woman wear only thongs and G-strings.

Anyway I’ll continue to report my anthropological findings as they become funny to post


  1. To be specific, regular friends without benefits….


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in reply to @shel's post:

I’m familiar with Ballroom culture and it’s not really for (I am a librarian. I do not like loud spaces) me also it’s not exactly heterosexual trans women culture so much as specifically Black and Latina trans women culture most of the time to my understanding.

Besides I don’t need to study other trans women I know how other trans women are. I know plenty of trans women who started as gay men and we share a queer cultural lexicon. And I know straight trans men and likewise situation. It’s the cisgender people I need to understand.

You don't need to participate in Ballroom culture to read up on it!

The reason for Ballroom culture is to try to become the fantasy: how do I become a woman or a man or a business exec or a college graduate? The performative aspect to what any of these mean is why I think it would be interesting to look into!

honestly in college "liberal arts sexuality" would be a good way of describing it. I faced SO MUCH judgement and pressure around how I presented that I was terrified to actually label my sexuality so I just called myself "queer" and didn't interrogate further. Like, the balancing act between "Just a gay man seeking attention who isn't doing enough to meaningfully not receive male privilege and doesn't belong in This Closed Safe Space" and "heterosexual assimilationist who isn't queer enough for This Closed Safe Space" was impossible cuz transmisogyny was so rampant and for every trans woman there was like 10 AFAB she/theys who did literally nothing to change their appearance but felt entitled to police my presence in social settings as "a male-bodied person" and back then I didn't know the word transmisogyny yet like Laverne Cox wasn't even on Netflix yet