For me, this AGDQ was filled with so many highs, but also a few lows. So let's start with the highs:
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for how many people I talked to. I said hi to a lot of people I knew of, but hadn't ever talked to before. I also met several new people, sat in on a few games, and even hung out and chatted with a couple folks outside my core friend group.
That's honestly huge for me. I'm terrified of talking to people in general, and it only gets worse when trying to talk to someone I vaguely know, or (worst case) someone I like. Usually, my wife is the catalyst for any social engagement I have, and she unfortunately was not with me this time around. If I were measuring in baby steps, I made several Kong strides this event.
The other major high for the event was exploring my fairly recent coming out as gender queer. And this probably won't make much sense to anyone who interacted with me at the event, because I don't think I presented or acted any differently than I typically do. But I was able to just exist in my identity and not feel like I was hiding. It felt liberating, and I felt great. Also I brought some clothes to experiment with in the privacy of my room, and that was nice.
One thing that stuck out was my friend asking if I prefered "sir" or "ma'am" (the answer was "either, whatever you want"). I don't believe I got any sirs or ma'ams, but the question itself left me feeling a bit giddy.
And then there's my work experience. Without getting too into it, I felt much more active in my role this go around. Think I've shaken off the new position jitters and have settled into a more comfortable, confident position.
So that's my highs for AGDQ, now for the lows. The first and most obvious was not having my wife with me. EBD ended up having to stay home to take care of the dog while he continues recovering from his hemilaminectomy. As a result, I spent a good amount of time at AGDQ just feeling lonely, even though I spent most of the event among friends. We've been together at this point for over half our lives, so whenever she's not around, I just feel like something is missing.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the only low. I also just had some incredibly strong downward mood swings. Tuesday, in particular, I recall lying in bed and staring at the ceiling for a couple hours. The night before I had had a really nice dinner conversation regarding gender exploration, so I'm not sure if I was just lonely, if I had drained my social battery, or if I was just getting hit by a wave of gender-related nihilism. Probably a good mix, to be honest.
I did end up getting myself out of bed, though, and went down to the board game room to try and distract myself. Sat in on a really neat looking game. Being around people did end up making me feel a bit better, but I also still felt like I was gonna publicly break down at any second. So yeah, sorry if I threw off the vibe (again, I don't think anyone noticed?).
All said, I left this AGDQ wishing that I had talked to people more, that I was braver when it came to holding conversations beyond "hi," and that I hadn't let my depressive tendencies take hold quite so firmly. But at the same time, I left feeling proud of what I did do, and I wish that I could have stayed longer. At any rate, now there's SGDQ to look forward to.
P.S. Never be afraid to say hi to me at an event if you see me. I guarantee I am just as scared, if not more. Also I apologize if I ever seem put off or disinterested during conversation. 99% of the time, it's actually just me being awkward and not knowing how to keep a conversation going. I'm trying to do better.